Cell leading = Heavy Responsibilty

I signed it. I signed it. I just signed it a couple hours back!! This is another significant event in my Christian life. Of course the 1st was baptism, immersed in the pool in the middle of the sanctuary, then return back to the stage decked in all white then walking down the aisle (sounds like dum da da dum) in twos with a guy I hardly knew. Right, I was baptised without company, so no friends to walk with.
This is different. Somehow, God is so real in my life than He has ever been before. Yes, I still fall and hurt myself, but I know He will be there to kiss the wound and make it all better. I really depend on Him, there's no other way to get enough wisdom to be able to take care of other people. There will always be kinks in life and life without kinks is plain meaningless. I should I say tasteless? I still wonder if life will be meaningless if we don't fall down and suffer.
My main concern now is... Getting my spiritual food, so that I can feed others. And.. Why do I feel so needy??

Revelations, some of which I really don't like.

I've been like a demagnetised magnet. I used to think that I have pretty good polarity, but after 1 year plus in university I feel like I actually am pretty directionless. Yes yes, I do have goals... But, it's not about goals. I feel that I don't really know myself very well. For example, what I enjoy doing or who I really am. I'm pretty confused. Plus, I'm pretty good at lying and justifying things to fit my fancy. Blergh. It's time to get repolarized according to His word and oh man, it hasn't been easy. Been reading this book by Joshua Harris, it's been a pretty difficult book for me to read as it shone right smack on the dark crevices in my cracked life and it really hurts my eyes to read the book. But, hey it's been helpful, I pray I can live up to it. The message was, "Intimacy is the reward for being committed". It's selfish if I want to enjoy being close to someone and yet don't want to or rather cannot commit. After everything I did, I can only conclude that I am ignorant and foolish. But, I honestly had no idea that things will become like that. Let this be a lesson learnt that will not be repeated again, no matter what my flesh says.
Other than doing alot of soul searching, I've watched In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown.
Personally, I think In Her Shoes is lots better, it's not a chick flick as I thought it was, it talks alot about forgiveness and family. Life's been different and it will get even more different as my perspectives change. Perhaps my "depolarisation" is a result of changing attitudes. Hope I get the right ones.
School's been good :) Strange that I actually feel this way despite all the crazy questions that's been thrown at us. Feel that I haven't been really living life to the fullest.

A really looooong day...

Woke up at 7.30am today and my first contemplation of the day was, "Should I skip lect today?" I was super tired, all the accumulated lack of sleep is taking its toll on me already and it seems to be psychological. I mean I didn't sleep much during the hols. I guess it's the waking up early thing. Went for lecture and then rushed to class.. Was a few minutes late and as a result was quite flustered, which was baaad. Felt like a disorganized mess. Had a angry parent confronting me...But things were fine in the end. After class, rushed to church and finally reached home at 10.30pm. Could have went home later, but half of me wanted to go home. Haven't been doing much work either. Sigh. Oughta spend tomorrow catching up with my books.
Will be officially commissioned as cell leader next week, increasing the stress level further. Well, I'm quite happy with all the 'busyness' actually. But, all of it is pretty self-centred. Algene calls me 'ice queen', but will say something if I have something good to say. NOOOO!!! I don't want to be 'ice queen'... Sigh. Reminds me of the white witch from the chronicles of narnia... Ok, out of point, she's the villian in the story and I'm not supposed to be villianous. I wonder what's wrong with me. Too self-conscious? In other words... *ahem* self-centred?

Shopaholic

This is my room. I'm starting to think that it resembles a hostel room, perhaps I brought my way of life from hall back with me. But, my room is definitely more cluttered than my hostel room and slightly bigger too. :p But, somehow I still like my room. The clutter and the wooden furniture makes things cozy. Alright. It's messy, but it's an organized mess. Haha.

This strawberry look-a-like was THE reason why I went all the way to NUS. Only 50 copies sold in NTU for a cohort of 150 people!! What's wrong with the school bookshop? Don't even want to do business. Well, I have many readings from the book, which is why I have a good reason to get so 'kan cheong'. All 50 copies were sold out on the day of the 1st lecture, which explains how enthusiastic my fellow coursemates are about Immunology... Too enthu if you ask me...
Went shopping in school! Wahaha. Seiyu had a sale over in the auditorium, we bought a couple of things and it was sooooo cheap. A calender that normally costs about 20 plus only cost about 6-7 buckaroos there. So satisfied! Hahaha.

Some Phuket Photos. Finally!

A small glimpse of what we were up to in Phuket. :p

I just want to leave everything behind.

My spirits haven't lifted up much. That's as much as I can say. In the year of 2006, there will be so many more new responsibilties and challenges to face. I've never felt this tired before, not even when I was in JC and knew that I almost got retained. Things get harder every year don't they? Currently, my S1 science class has 9 students. But, they are alright. Hope they actually learnt something from my classes!!! Put in effort to make notes for them. Somehow, they do cheer me up a little by making me forget about myself. In class, I become Miss Koh or rather Dawn, the blur science teacher. Haha. As for my P4s... Well. There's really alot more that I need to do for them. I'm quite clueless. How does one go about teaching English??!! Argh.
I used to attend Morris Allen speech and drama lessons and find that it really helped me in mastering English. But, I would say that their methods are rather unconventional, involving mostly play and reading. There was not other way I could learn things in primary school. Seriously. I was one of those kids who can't study. Alright I wasn't stupid, perhaps just slow.
I miss Faye, my DG leader from school. She just flew over to Atlanta a few days back and will only be back before I go to the same place that she went to. It's pity that we miss each other this way. She's going to the same place, but at a different time. Just 1 sem before me!!! :( Bleah. Maybe God wants me to continue what she's going to accomplish there. I'm sure God didn't allow me to go there to twiddle my thumbs.
Perhaps I want to leave because, the past is not doing me any good. I haven't been myself and I'm in so deep that I don't even realise it. People tell me that I've been staring into space looking distracted. Being unaffected and leaving everything behind is impossible, unless by the grace of God I get partial amnesia. Been escaping of late. When I can't solve the problem, I try to escape from it. I tried so hard, but it doesn't leave me alone. There's no where to run and hide. I wish I were unaffected too. How long will it take to heal these wounds? When will they even start healing? They are not healing. Time doesn't make a difference when I'm not allowed to heal. What will it take to heal me then? If only I could get the message across.

nerd. Not!

A Confession: I am weird.

Yes. So I am weird. I hate to admit it but I seriously cannot get the frequency of most people. I'm becoming an alien. It didn't seem so bad last time, but now I really don't understand what you guys are laughing about. I really don't understand. Perhaps it's not just one person I cannot understand, but all of you. What was said makes sense now, perhaps it's not only you that I cannot connect with, but with the rest of the crowd. Or maybe, what happened made me more aware of my disability to connect with others and makes me feel worser than ever. I will never understand how and why things turned out this way.
It's so difficult to talk to anyone.
It works in some twisted way. To me, you have the same frequency as a normal person and if I can't communicate with you, I can't communicate with them either. So, that makes me an alien. And guess what? It's true. I can't get through to all of you.

It's only school.

Went for the 1st lecture yesterday, I couldn't understand what Dr Rupert was talking about. Looks like I've got quite alot to work on and I better work instead of talking about it only. This week's still pretty slack, only 2 lectures. School hasn't gone into full swing yet, which is quite comfortable actually. Sometimes I think that uni is reaaaally waaaay too slack because of my seemingly short timetable..Must not forget that alot is about self-studying now.
Glad to see everyone back in school, got to know more people from my course from the recently ended hols. 2 of my classmates are back from exchange, they sound really happy. Can't wait for August to come around!
In case you are wondering why I removed the last post.. It's because it was too depressing, reading it makes me feel uncomfortable. I pray that Jesus will heal me and help me to be more like Him, instead of being more cynical, etc...

2 more days to the new year

School's starting soon. Don't really like the new timetable because lessons start at 8.30am and end as late as 5.30pm.. Not going to take any electives this semester since I've already completed all the units required for electives. So au revoir francise. Don't expect it to be a more relaxing semester although there are only 5 modules. Besides school, I've got tuition to teach and new responsibilities in church. Life for the next 6 months.
YEP is on Saturday, been asked share my testimony on how I came to Christ. There's nothing dramatic about how I accepted Christ into my life, things happened gradually. I did not face resistance from my parents, things fell into place. But, life as a Christian has been a tumultous one, it's exactly like running a marathon. Sometimes, my lungs feel like they're going to burst, but I have to continue the race.

Merry Christmas!

Performed outside Takashimaya on Friday, half an hour of carolling sure can pass by really fast! Didn't even feel like it was over. I don't know why, but something is missing this Christmas or is it different? The lights down Orchard Rd don't hold too much appeal to me anymore, the hustle and bustle due to Christmas shopping seems disconnected from my life. Like I am not part of it anymore. This is also the 1st time in many years I am spending Christmas eve at home, usually I probably be out. When I was younger, it was always with my parents at St. Andrew's cathedral's midnight mass. For the past few years, it has been dinner at my aunt's or hanging out with friends till wee hours in the morning. Christmas day is the day to get concussed. Or rather, I suppose I don't need much sleep nowadays. I desire sleep but sometimes it doesn't come easily. Perhaps drowning myself in work has taken away all my expectations for Christmas.
Of course, I musn't forget that this is the day that Christ our Saviour is born. That is something to celebrate!!

4 days flew by.

4 days of being a camp group leader has taught me many things and how I can improve. I can't help but admit that I am socially challenged. Seriously have to learn how to play more ice breakers and how to interact with people without stressing myself out, which results in mental blocks. My behaviour goes funny when I'm stressed and that's not good!!! I'm sure some of my grp members found me slightly off the kilter at times.
Thank you God for being there and blessing my group members individually, that each of us went home refreshed and with renewed fervor for You despite all that had happened during the camp. There were ups and downs. All I can say is that I would have been much worse off if I hadn't surrendered and kept asking Him, "How? What should I do now Lord? How can I bless my group members??"The thought of asking and seeking God did not come to me initially and this made me realise how self-reliant I was, how much I was using my own strength to accomplish tasks. What I based my self-worth on. If people are not pleased by what I do or didn't do, I will feel that I am inferior. But, God doesn't want me to please people, He wants me to please Him and this doesn't mean pleasing people for the sake of them liking me. This was a tough lesson for me to understand as it's been pretty confusing to differentiate between the 2 sometimes. Sometimes, decision making is a pain to me, especially when it involves other people. There's this over-whelming fear that the wrong decision will result in embarrasment or hurting the other person.
Things that have lost their meaning over the years have regained their meaning again, if not even more. The words hit me so hard that I reached another level of worshipping God altogether. It truly is much better to give than to receive. I wish I could give even more, but I feel so limited. I have to learn how to trust God and not to keep a death-grip on the way I run my life. Meaning that I shouldn't be so adamant about things and the possible outcomes. As we played the games, attended the sessions, worshipped God and carried on with other activities, things I thought which would never work out broke down right before my eyes. I've gotten some solutions and I can't wait to learn about even more solutions that I can find from the Bible.
Things are not going to be easy and I pray that I will be able to apply what has been taught to me.
There were times I felt like breaking down and there were times when I thought only of myself, those were the times when I felt so weak that I was ready to throw in towel and forget about everything. Especially when God what was dealing with things that I couldn't let go of.

Away for 4 days!

Camp's today! Won't be back till it's Monday. Hope I'll survive... ... Tired even b4 camp starts that's not a good sign. Got my voice back, but still sick.. Should I visit the doc again? Is it neccessary? Don't want to eat any more antibiotics. Pray that I'll be able to take care of others...

Please oh please pray for me

My voice is still taking a vacation in Phuket and has left me speechless. Jac insists that I sound like Ronald Weasley and gets entertained by me saying, "Bloody Hell!" I guess that's the only good thing that came out of this sore throat. I'm pretty entertained by my voice too, if not for the upcoming christmas choir and youth camp.
DOUBTS. I really wanna minister to others, but somehow I am not filled with the Spirit. How can I minister to others when I, myself am not able to listen and follow instructions from the Holy Spirit? I fear that whatever I say will sound shallow and meaningless to others. Why am I not filled???
Perhaps it's not that I am not filled, it's because I have to many things on my mind that I am deaf to the Spirit's calling. Like what?? I've got tuition stuff to prepare, which I must do by at least Thursday. My throat is still very bad, how to lead my group like that??! (and the camp is on Friday.) Worried that I cannot minister well enough to my group members because I'm so unsure if it's the Spirit leading or my own human wisdom. 2 other personal issues annnnd my results for this sem are coming out soon! This week or the next. Didn't fare very well this semester, was pretty careless during the exams. I feel like I have done some kind of injustice to myself if I get bad grades. Getting bad grades, will affect alot of things. E.g.: The honours, the exchange programme, my career and the list goes on... No need to elaborate.
I feel helpless. There's only so much I can do and why do I even feel more stressed than during the exams??! It's odd. The only thing I can do now is to commit every single thing to God and pray that He will have grace and mercy on me. Please pray for me. Arghhh. 疯了。

Hardly home these days.

I've officially fallen ill. Had to visit the doctor today. Was so uncomfortable that I woke up at 2am to throw a flu tablet into my ulcerated mouth and I lost my voice. Singing's out, therefore no choir practice for me today. I wonder how am I going to catch up... I wonder how is Cheryl faring in Paris.. Hope she's fine because we're both so sick.
Felt unrestrained and free in Phuket, like I was a born beach bum. Or maybe just bum. Haha. Because I spent quite a fair bit indoors, instead of outdoors tanning. Wore beach gear that I won't wear in Sg, for example a white spaghetti top. Perhaps I haven't gotten over being a beach bum yet, wearing jeans and covered shoes seem uncomfortable. Drank oversized cocktails at a mere price of 6 buckaroos. Tell me, where can you get such cocktails in Sg? Still, I'm slightly disappointed that I'm not as tanned as I would like to be and didn't get to shop as much as I hoped to. Will blog more about Phuket with the pictures.
Life's like a colour palette to me. Except the paints are all mixed up to produce different hues. I've dark grays, blue, bright red, orange, etc... Point is everything is mixed up!!! I am big contradiction myself.

Back from Phuket!

Left Singapore for Phuket on Monday morning. Reached the airport at 12am in the morning when our flight was 7am!!! Felt kind of depressed having to leave my home so early in the morning. Well, it's my fault. If I had insisted on taking a taxi or staying over at Cheryl's, I wouldn't have felt this way. In case you wondering why there are no pictures... I haven't got them yet. Have to wait till Cheryl's back from Europe before I'll meet up with her again and currently I don't feel too well... I left Sg feeling fluish and poor Cheryl caught the flu in Phuket...
Phuket.. is. kinda of boring. Then again, we did some fun stuff! The most exciting part of the trip was visiting Phi Phi Islands (Pronounced as Pee Pee). Went snorkelling with the colourful fishies, deep sea swimming and... Swam at the beach where they filmed, "The Beach" starring Leonardo DiCaprio. That beach was BEAUTIFUL!!! For once I really understood what it meant by deep blue sea after spending half a day in a speed boat out in the blue waters of the Andaman Sea. The water was so clear that you can see the sea bed and corals! Unfortunately it started raining when we reached that beach, but we still played and swam in the heavy rain. No wonder that we're sick. The currents in the sea were pretty strong too.
We stayed at sleazy Patong in Phuket.. Didn't snap any photos of the sleazy places, even boat quay, mohamed sultan combined is much less sleazy than what I've seen. You don't have to walk into the club, bar, pub to see the sleaze. Just walk along the streets. There are 3 streets filled with them. Transvestites, prostitutes and pole dancing galore. The place screamed, "Sex!"
Even Patong beach in the day is infested by vendors who sell souvenirs, drinks and offers of parasailing, jet-skiing and renting beach chairs. Been asked a million times if we wanted to go jet-skiing while tanning. Annnd maybe because we are uniquely Asian girls (Phuket is filled with Ang Mohs btw), the Thai guys on the beach flirted shamelessly with us... I felt kind of uncomfortable with this sort of attention. So much for peace and quiet. Ha. If a guy had went along with us, I think things would have been different.
Feeling tired. Will continue blogging soon... Can't wait to get the photos.

Officially declaring that I'm out of this freakin' world.

Realised that the passage into adulthood is not an easy rite. Lines that used to define what was right or wrong are now blurred or maybe I have never really questioned the values that were taught to me for the past 20 years. Which leads to the question of are some things really wrong? A simple example. Smoking is neither right nor wrong. But, from my point of view it's wrong. Before you smokers out there jump down my throat let me explain where I'm coming from. To me... Our bodies are temples for God. Knowing that smoking is harmful and addictive, I'm defiling my body= defiling God's temple? Same goes to other stuff that destroys/defiles the body. Ok... Once I was asked what about BBQed food? Isn't it carbon filled and carcinogenic (cancer causing)? Ah, then Dawn ah why you still eat ah? Alright. BBQ food is not toxic if it's not purposely burnt and eaten excessively ok? The amount we eat is insufficient to cause your cells to behave weirdly. Please lah. In that case, don't use shampoo lah! Shampoo also probably contains alot of carcinogens.
There's no absolute answer in this dynamic world. Bit my tongue countless times to stop myself from passing narrow-minded judgements. But, sometimes I fail. I suppose if you share the same perspective that our bodies are God's temple, then perhaps you can understand. Because smoking and a whole lot of other things used to be pretty neutral as long as they don't harm others and whether we harm ourselves is our own business. Until I really knew Him. Therefore, I will try my best, or rather, must not do anything that defiles God's temple. My life is not mine. So to speak.

More stamina please.

Started attachment in school today, really happy to see familiar faces in the lab. Wanted to wake up earlier to eat breakfast in school at Mc's today, but I couldn't wake up due to my screwed bio clock. Been sleeping on the average at 3am everyday for the past week and was expected to sleep at 12 plus and wake up at 8.30am today, which is an impossible feat!! So at least I managed to reach school on time. First thing the prof said when we reached his lab was," Do you want to see your results?" And stacks of our exam papers were piled up on his desk. Very nice way of welcoming us to the lab. Haha. So.. Yep. I knew my results for my worst paper. I PASSED!!! Hope I can get a B. I expected to fail. Because I made so many mistakes. Apparently, I didn't fail the section that I expected to fail. Thank God :) Prof Y was very nice too. He taught us a few things today, thought he would just leave us without much guidance. Some profs don't guide you much and you wonder at the end of the day if you learnt anything at all. Hope that by the end of this stint in the lab, I'll be more familiar with preparing stuff.
Met Mummy at Causeway Pt. Ended up buying more stuff than I wanted. Instead of buying just shorts, ended up buying other stuff also... And I'm glad I ate enough for dinner. Coz... We bumped into my Mum's friend who has a 3 yr old little girl. She sure can run!!! Ended up chasing after her and I got NO stamina. After half an hour of playing.. I was telling her, "Jie Jie is tired cannot chase you liao."Hahahaha. Then she didn't want to let me go home. Then after I left, she was shouting at the top of her lungs, " Bye bye!!!" Little monster. Hee. But a very cute one!!! I like playing with kids.. But, realised that I probably don't have enough energy to play like one and don't have much chance to. I'm shy!! Haha.

Liberty.

Exams are FINALLY over. However.. The last paper was also my worst paper... ... Was quite disappointed that I filled in the blanks wrongly. Felt like kicking myself after checking through the notes. I really hope I can pass. Maybe a C. That's the worst I have ever done so far. :'( I blame my poor memory. Need to find more methods to improve memory!!! I WILL trust God no matter what.
Cheryl's back!!! Yay!!!It's time to start living for the hols. Phuket trip, birthday celebrations, christmas celebrations, tuition to give, books to read, friends to hang out with and exercise to do. Weeell, met Cheryl for a sumptious Jap dinner yesterday. Yummy! One of the best Jap meals I ever had.


Yup, really had a jolly good time stuffing ourselves with authentic Jap food (and not Sakae Sushi) for once. Annnnd finally, after 4 months, we can talk face to face. Felt it was some kind of surreal. Hahaha.
Have to save up for the trip... No more splurging. Ack. Sigh. Walked around Orchard and Cheryl did both of our share of shopping, so didn't need to buy anything at all :p Nah. I am really trying to save up so we can do more things over there.
Met up with Lenggity for waffles!! Yea, really missed Gelare waffles haven't eaten them for... Only God knows how long. Still... They were overpriced even when they're half-priced today. Waffletown sells nice and cheaper waffles, but not great ice cream. It's infuriating to suggest activities to a near pauper. I know. I don't like it either that I have to turn down ideas because I don't have the moolah to do them. But... I am a pauper. Sigh. 没有钱也有没有钱的玩法。Went to her place and collected my souvenir from Taiwan! Wahahaha. New bag. *Wide Grin* Then.... LEnggity designed a new blog interface for me! Hahaha. Thank you so much cuzzie!!! You know I'm hopeless with JAva and HTML. I'm just a Bioscigeek. *Wider grinz*
Borrowed some books from the lib can't wait to read them. And.... bought purple hair dye. Haven't dyed my hair yet... but... well...

Thank you God!!!

Been too lax with the exams this semester... Only started studying for my paper today at 7pm yesterday :p Yup, that's how unmotivated I am. Or maybe it's because I really cannot stand studying for microbiology. Hate memorising the names of the bacteria, I like reading it and somehow I can remember the discoveries and techniques just not the names of the bacteria and not to the T. Never liked memorising things word-for-word, I like to improvise!! But, sometimes I get the meaning wrong and therefore the answer is wrong! Sigh. I really thank God for pulling all of us through. Could answer the questions that came out and won't fail. But as for an A, it's really all up to God... Of course I hope to get As. I did say I'm leading a pretty well-balanced life. Played tennis on Monday, watched Just Like Heaven on Tuesday and STUDIED on Wednesday evening. Hai, terrible. Will not repeat this for the last paper.
Can't wait to watch Harry Potter next week!! Whee! Finally. I LOVE Draco Malfoy. Hee..

Les Examens

Je dois rappeler Il est meme hier, aujord' hui et demain. J'ai examen francaise demain, besoin du paix de Dieu.

Fragile

Whatever I am going to post is just a random rambling produced by my overheated brain.
The world is full of lonely people and I admit that I am often part of this crowd. Can't be surrounded by people 24/7 and even if it were so, being in a crowd can be lonely too. So what do we do to keep these shadowy feelings at bay? We occupy ourselves with work, the companionship of other people, etc... But, somehow in some twisted way, we still feel lonely. I'm not saying that work and relationships are unimportant, but can they alone make the emptiness go away??
Tried burying myself in work to assuage these feelings and given no work to do, I'll probably get a mental breakdown. Then again, when I have work I procrastinate. (Which gives you a good idea of this crappy entry.) Studying for exams can be the most hermitical thing you can do. People are forced to isolate themselves, unless they can resist the temptation of chatting and get down to the serious business of studying. Can't go shopping, can't go watch movies, can't go do anything. I suppose this semester I've been less hermitical during this period of revision. Perhaps just more lazy.
At this moment, I don't feel that empty. I don't know if it's because there are many lonely people out there or because I know Someone loves me for being me. Sometimes, it gets a little confusing.
It's the exams and all my friends are busy mugging, most of them are not the type who can study in groups. So, that really puts a crimp on my social life. I could go back to school and look for my friends, but somehow I am too lazy to move my butt to Boon Lay. It is ridiculously far.... ... Companionship or no companionship, I can't make myself go all the way there.
Books for company and notes to talk to.

Counting the days to absolute freedom!!

I have finally tasted Royce chocolate coated potato chips and finished the entire box with a few other people. (Almost didn't want to share with anyone. Ha)
Exams are coming and somehow I am numbed to it. Yes, I feel the urgency to study, but somehow I'm not panicking as usual. I'm cool dude. Being cool about exams is a strange reaction from me. I guess I'm more obsessesed with how to remember all the info and answer the questions. I suppose now I can tell you all about malaria and tuberculosis now. Malaria is spreaded by FEMALE Anopheles mosquito and you can get infected with tuberculosis without showing any symptoms until the day you die. HAHAHAHA...... I can even tell you stuff at the molecular level. But let's not discuss anymore before I drive you poor readers nuts.
Had my 1st French oral. I sounded like... J'aime---beaucoup--- la natation--- I practically spoke word by word, no intonation whatsoever. The examiner seemed pretty pleased with us though... ... She kept going, "Tres bien!" Alor, it's a good thing after all. Je ne suis pas libre, parce que j'ai etudie pour les examens. My French is Fried. (Sorry abt the lame pun, I couldn't resist.)
Hope to go on a short getaway. Somewhere idle.. With lotsa sand, salt water and breezy coconut trees. I should just go to sleep now.

Time doesn't wait.

So little time, so many chapters... I wonder if it's humanly possible to cram everything within 2 weeks or less... ... Make that 1 and a half thick textbooks and piles of paper. If only my brain worked like my stomach. Then I'll probably get diarrhoea.
Weekend was pretty good, caught a movie, had high tea and went out to study with Wy.I really love eating wee tiny cakes!! They look so cute :D Kind of regret not taking photos of them. Had fun studying with Wy, I love her camera phone!! The pictures are so much sharper and of course make us look much better. Haha.









Sleeping at Bk?? Check out the messy hair.











Me and Wy. Stuff we do when we get bored of studying. Looking gd :)














One word: toothy.
Kind of tired today. Insufficient sleep. My fault.
Met up with Jas and Jun on Friday for steamboat. I was glad that we still could have such a good time going out despite being so dislocated from each others lives. I really enjoyed cooking squid for my "mums". Hahaha. Remembered what Yl said about friends. It's wonderful that we still can meet up, but when we don't due to circumstances will the friendship just die? I suppose it depends. Depends on the circumstance and how we feel towards each other. In the case of Jas, I will always remember her as one of my greatest pals and her sense of sarcastic humour that never fails to throw me into laughing fits. Hope we really will go kayaking after my exams.
To be friends, both must agree to being friends.

Happy Birthday to me!!

Turned 20 yesterday and I would like to thank all my dearests for wishing me, "Happy Birthday!"

Day 1 of feasting
Met Na and Teng on Monday and we ate at Lemongrass, after which we walked around awhile for the food to go down.

Day 2 of feasting
Had a sumptious lunch in school with Wy, mixed grill.
Ate at NYDC with Yingz. Was bloated at the end of dinner.A surprise was planned at the end of dinner. I am so blur!!! (Or greedy?) I was too busy admiring the cakes at secret recipe to notice Karen behind me and OCX hiding behind his backpack!!! Hahaha... They treated me to delicious chocolate cakes and finished it with everyone's help.*Yum!*

Day3 of festing (The day itself)
Lost count of the happy birthdays sung in one day :p
Went to Fish & Co with corrinne, charlene, candice and jac. 2 seafod platters for 2 almost killed all of us.

This is one birthday whereby I've eaten the most!!! And I've still got more to eat today and tomorrow... Not to mention that I'll be pretty broke by next week. Well, once a year! I don't get to feast like that all the time. Food is one of the greatest joys on Earth :p

Because I am your friend...

I try to listen to every word you say
Stand by your side even in the pouring rain
Know you like the back of my hand
We shared our joy and pain

Every year, I know you better
Sometimes marveling at the change
Made some mistakes
Argued a little
But I know at the end of the day,
my cares for you will remain

Wondered sometimes
if anyone felt the same.
You were there
before I even called for help
You knew me so well.

When I lost hope, You were there.

Whee! The past few days have passed like the whirlwind. Things have been happening, some not so pleasant ones like losing my stuff due to my scatterbrains. But almost all of the not so plesant things pale in comparison to.... the reply the exchange programmme office gave me. They finally replied, when I've lost all hope (as you can see from my previous entries), to say that my school recommended me to go to.... .....












Georgia Tech in Atlanta!!!!!!!!!!
He gave me more than I expected. Here's a virtual tour of the campus and you'll know what I mean when I feel so blessed... http://www.gatech.edu/vtour
I didn't know anything about this place before I went to the website and it wasn't my 1st choice, but this place is just as awesome! Thank you sooo much God!!!!! And the dear people who were there to listen to me grumble.. Now, you'll hear less grumbling. Hahahahaha..

It's time.

Schoolwork has been getting increasingly tougher. French is becoming an unmanageable mess... Qu'est-ce que tu faire Dawn?? Help... Wonder if the examiner will laugh to death when he/she hears me speak? It's confirmed that we'll have oral and a test. It's unfair that the previous batch who took French didn't have so many tests!!Many projects and readings to complete too. ARgh. All the tests will be on my day. Wonderful! Whee! I'll probably do well since it's my birthday. (What kind of skewed logic is that?!)

Sorry ma cherie (if you read this). I am not selected for the exchange programme. :'( I am not informed about anything. I'll try again next semester and this time I'll be SERIOUS.

There's no school this Friday!! Yea yea yea!!! I wanna go watch corpse bride. Fine, I like morbid looking animations. In general, I like animations. Big (old?) kid at heart.

Go Dawn go! You need to start mugging. Dean's list? (Yea right. It's for egg-heads with straight As and I'm not eggy enough, like my friends.) Muahahaha.
Darn. Micheal Buble's concert was yesterday... And I didn't get to go again. I'm too poor to buy the tickets. (nothing new) I'll happy even to get seats right at the back. I feel like the Little Match girl? No. Cinderella? No. Know any other fairytale that characters live in poverty? Doesn't matter, I'll never belong in a fairytale. Nondescript.

Premature Bday Celebrations

Shirley and Me

The night falls. Pops caught this funny looking shot.

Feels weird that I celebrated my birthday today. The big day is still 11 days away I think. And if I'm not wrong I'll have 2 tests on that day. What a wonderful birthday. *sarcasm* Enjoyed eating at Al Dente Trattoria, pop's treat. The meal really burnt a big hole in his wallet :p The steak was Mmmm delicious really tender caused you cooked it yourself on the hot stone. Really fresh steak, not like the kind whereby you fight with until it flies onto another person's plate.

Blogspot down.

I'm blogging from photobucket. Somehow, blogspot doesn't open properly and I can't type anything since there's no box. Ah well, went for cell lunch at Carl's junior today. SUper Huge servings. I'm glad that I shared with Sharon because to finish a meal all by yourself is a feat. Still, the rest of my wonderful cell peeps managed! Haha. Drinks are refillable... Makes me full to think about it. Celebrated Matz and Joel's birthday, albeit there was some confusion. I am really sorry that I couldn't get Matz' present in time... ... :(

Catch phrase of the day: Crippled prawn. (Lame sia) *Doinks* I didn't come up with this. Believe me.

Went shopping yesterday, allowing retail therapy to do its wonders. It feels so good to be able to go shopping for once. To have the money and afford to buy the things you want. :D

Haven't been in the state of mind to type long entries.. Hope this entry is enough.

 

Take a break. Pay attention to God.

I can hear a mother screaming at her child from the next block. She's loud! Or maybe I have good hearing. It's irritating... Pity, even the radio can't drown out her voice. I suppose this is happening in my mind too. I keep tuning into thoughts that I want to drown out. I have many many many things to do, many many many people to talk to, but all I can think about is what I refuse to think about. Somethings that I heard got stuck in my brain and I don't know how to get them out. I doubt I can get them out by myself.
Have to remember that only one thing matters. G-O-D.
I thank god that I have other things to keep me busy, I cannot imagine what will happen if I'm left to my own devices. Drowning myself in work again. Escapism?

Normalcy

We have just finished the 6th CLEAR session. I have just been notified by our camp IC this year, Dan, that I'll be one of the group leaders this year along with Gail and Cyrus. I really don't know if I'm up to this. Ah hahaha.... And I know before I know it I'll be at camp doing the unthinkable. I'm both excited and scared. Excited because it's going to be different! Perhaps more scared than excited though. Some of the fears that I have are... I can't relate to the younger ones, I have never been a group leader nor assistant group leader in a camp before. I feel that camp leaders need to be spontaneous and currently I don't feel very spontaneous... Due to some personal stuff. Hope that the dark clouds would have blown over by then. If not.. Hai. Life goes on and I'll still have to do my job as a group leader.
As for CLEAR... I still can't really see myself as true blue, full fledged cell leader. Then again God works in mysterious ways. I'm sure He'll provide me with the experience, maturity and other misc skills that I'll need to cope with being a cell leader.
Been a good girl. Doing very little work at home. Currently, I have to play "musical chairs" for this project. I have to pick a paper on a first come first serve basis and I have to pick the right paper. Better still, I can't change my mind after submitting my choice. Hope no one will pick the paper that I'm going to pick. Stress ah! If only the prof will let us do the same paper, then it won't be so stressful... And because everyone is doing a different paper, we can't discuss!!! This is such a tragedy. *Rolls eyes*

Overflowing

Frustrated with myself. Felt that I wasn't putting in my best for today's paper. My mind wasn't there. But, after handing up the paper, I regretted that I allowed myself to be distracted. It jolted me out of my thoughts. I need to put my heart back into my school work. My heart hasn't really been in it eversince the beginning of the semester. All I think about is the holidays... ... Anyway, it's over. I don't have the energy to mope over it.
Sometimes I feel limited or get drained very easily. Some people are able to stay cheery most of the time, why can't I be like that?? To me, I feel that there's no point in pretending to be happy when I'm not. But, I know I want to walk with a bounce in my step, being contented with I have. I just know that I have to trust God for that and change my attitude towards situations. Frankly, I feel tired of being mopey and looking as if the world owes me something. No matter what happens, I will recover from it and find my joy in God. Because He never fails.

MAF.. What moon?

Went to celebrate MAF at Lydia's place yesterday with SETT people. I was clueless that we were going to her place to celebrate, last minute surprise. Lydia was really kind to provide us with umlimited food and drinks. There was too much food that snacks we brought there were unopened. Really love the baked cuttlefish strips!! Yummy. Then we went to the nearby playground and razed it to the ground. Nah. Hogwash. We merely dripped wax all over it and waxed some leaves and insects. MAF seems to bring out a sadistic nature in all of us. Burn baby burn! Didn't really get to see any moon though. Loved the lantern my group made. Jon can really come up with gd storylines to explain the theme of our lantern. I am impressed. Haha.

Taking my mind off a few matters... Irritated with myself. 连我也觉得自己好烦。

Waiting.

I'm waiting for answers. I keep asking questions. Helplessness.

My one week break's ending. Not looking forward to going back to school... ... *Deep breaths*

Be with me.

Went out the entire day today, haven't been very productive since Saturday. Have to start getting off my butt and DO something!
Went to Kbox with Wy, had mucho fun. Discovered that I have a talent for singing Chinese opera. Haha. We kept singing yuan dian until we could get it right, meaning not going too off-key and singing in time with the music. Haha. Finally got it right after the 5th time? Hahaha. Haven't sang like this for a long time. Then we tried to get some work done, but ended up yakking and catching up as we haven't met for a very very long time. Since someone is busy dating. :p And somehow, when I'm free she isn't and when she isn't I am. So there, we finally met up.
Met my uni family to celebrate Candice's birthday. Watched Be with me.

It's much better than I expected it to be. It talks about love and loss. I really admire Theresa, the protagonist in the movie and also in reality for her courage and trust in God. Imagine being shut away from the world around you. Can't see nor hear. Living alone. Losing the chance to have someone who loves you because he passes away.
Then there's also the Fat Man. Your uneducated kind soul who just wants to express his feelings for the woman of his dreams. Though I really think he was scary stalking her like that, he seems happy and watching her from a distance. The only time you see him losing his temper is when he fails to express himself because he cannot find the words. And the stuff he binges on... Makes me want to swear off stewed pork for now. I get the vibe that the scriptwriter feels that it would be kinder to end Fat man's life.
Sam and Jackie. The lesbian couple. Betrayal, loss and suicide. Got to be cruel sometimes to be kind? It is painful to see how people can let you down in the worse way.
Lastly, the father who struggles to get out of depression after the death of his wife and he finds a model in Theresa.

Anyway back to me. I wish things could be simpler or that I would stop complicating things for myself. I don't know if I am right or wrong. I don't want to become bitter.

Emotionally drained

For once I'm feeling deflated.
Like a sad balloon. Burnt out. Don't even feel angry.
Hurt. Confused. Broken. But I have to face the world.

One week break.

It's nothing new that I've been busy for the whole of last week. Completing reports, assignments, tutorials and giving tuition. I am too exhausted to blog! Anyway, the coming week of break is only good for catching up with my readings and studying for the test I have on the 1st day of school. Which I promise to finish. Haven't been studying much for the past 2 weeks. Hope my grades will not suffer. Sleep hasn't been wonderful either, find myself being unable to sleep for more than 8 hours... ... Terrible.
Had a false alarm that GIP results were out, because so far I've only heard the mass comm people getting accepted. Emailed the office to make sure that they hadn't forgotten about my application and lo and behold they said the results will be out next week. I really really really realllllllllllly hope I can go. A few personal reasons and the main reason being that I really want to see what kind of research they get up to in the labs of washington uni. Definitely on a much larger scale than what they have in NTU.
Feel sorry for kids who have started mugging at such a tender age...Due to parents who keep forcing their children to go for additional tuition classes. Seriously think that children should be allowed to take a break, instead of studying everyday for the hols. It's not healthy and doesn't really aid in absorption when their minds are elsewhere.
Took a break yesterday, met Germ to watch The Maid, ate gelato at venezia and went to this super sleazy pub, lounge? We didn't do much, just shared a glass of red wine. Still wondering how come we ended up there... ... I know the last place visited sounds very O-U-T.

I'm back, but for how long??

Haven't been blogging, haven't been on msn. Eversince my last entry I've only been coming on-line to download my notes, homework or do research on that $%$%*&*!! stem cell paper. Had a test today and I left the lecture theatre feeling really stupid. I could answer the questions. I KNOW how to do the questions and I lost 17 marks. Why? Because I couldn't keep my cool. I started panicking because I kept looking at the time. I hate myself. Feel like a big dumb dumb. Hope I still can pass, this test has 15% weightage...
Been waking up super early for the week due to some changes in the timetable. I can actually wake up automatically with out the help of the alarm clock now, an obvious sign of stress. I must remain sane, I must keep my cool. *chants*
It's Teacher's day today, didn't get to go back anywhere because of a full day in school. Taking a break from studying and doing work, haven't exactly been relaxing. Maybe the most relaxing thing I did thus far was to go to California Fitness Club to exercise. Free membership for 1 month! Whee. All thanks to Sheena. They have free lessons street jazz dancing, yoga, etc.. And not forgetting the sauna and spa. Must go there before my pass expires. Felt like a mountain tortoise there, we were ooh and aahing over the facilities or maybe it was just me :p Schwinn cycling next time! It burns 300 calories in 30 minutes.
Caught a movie last Sunday too. It's probably the most violent and profane "art film" I ever watched: Perth. Mere words cannot describe how disturbed I am after watching the show. It was the first time I ever watched a man pummel a woman. Usually the farthest extent would be slaps and shoves, but really pummeling the woman? What kind of "man" is that? Realised that I am pretty numbed to violence, maybe it's because of all the bloody arcade and computer games I've played. House of the dead, etc... Not forgetting that blood and gore doesn't faze me. Closet sadist.
Hanging in there till the 1 week break comes in 2 weeks' time. Feeling sore about my stupidity :'(

Bring it on!!!

I am officially buried under the amount of work I have. I don't know where to start!! Currently, I am slacking off from my tutorial to blog. Haha. This semester's work is becoming so alien. Not helping that I took French. Anyway, just finished French dictation today. They were all short questions. Eg: Tu connais un homme politique? Oui, je connais LKY.
Dawn est jolie! Oui? Haha. Just agree with that sentence. :p Feel so thick skinned.
Trying hard to balance my time, when I feel stressed all I feel like doing is anything but work or work related. I am so sick of looking at cells and receptors on them. Like I care. *plbbt* Unfortunately, we all know that it is not true. I truly care about our darling cells that coexist together to give us a wonderful, functional body. Sigh...
I think I should stop slacking and go back to staring at the notes and killing more of my brain cells to answer the tute questions. I tried so hard and got so far, nothing matters anymore. HAHAHAHA.

God's will.

Is a pretty distressing subject to me. Why? I'm not sure if what I heard is really God's voice or my background noise of my desires covering His voice. Lately, it has been quite clear that I should wait upon the Lord and have faith that His will works for the good for those who love Him. There so many issues around me and in my life that require so much trust in God that He will set everything right. Life seems so unfair.
There also things that I need to be honest about and set things right once and for all. No matter how painful it maybe to settle it. I have to learn to love unselfishly. Though it may make me unhappy, it will make someone else happier. I want to bring joy into people's lives, but many times I find myself hindered by my fears. Fear of not being the kind of person they want to interact with, fear of being rejected and many more... My fears are so irrelevant, but they real too.
Today is Ruffy's bath day (my dog) and I'm on duty. Sigh... Hate bathing that doggie of mine.. Wet dogs are best not provoked.

Swollen and painful.

Seen the doctor on Sunday evening, supposed to be fine by now, but no. Apparently, I have some allergy to the antiboitics. Took 3 days for it to take effect--Swollen and painful lips. Just feel like tearing my entire mouth and throat out if it stops the pain. Had 6 solid hours of French tutorials this week, but I still can't really speak to save myself. Haha.
Speaking of which, I went for my interview today. I felt it was bad... I thought I was prepared, but they asked me questions that caught me off my guard.
Prof T (he's french) : Why should the university give you a loan to go?
Me: (Thinks abit) It will be an enriching experience, let me have a more well-rounded education and allow me more insight to the university's 5 Nobel prize laureates.
AHHH... Sound so lame... That more or less sums up the entire interview. Experience how lessons are taught overseas and to see what they have establish over there that makes them so famous... Doinks. Major decrease in self-confidence. Must have confidence in God.
I should've impressed Prof T with my lousy French. Nah, I think he'll be more depressed than impressed after hearing me say, " Je parle francaise ample."
Don't want to think, don't want to think. Thoughts running amok.

Backaches and Fever

Feeling sick now.. Having fever. Having visitors over at my house now and I feel really bad that I can't talk to them. Feel like I'm burning up inside. I suppose I'll offer the little girl my sweets. :p I don't feel sleepy, but just want to rest my achy bones. I don't understand why I'm sick... ... Pray that I'll be better after a good sleep tonight. Lots to handle tomorrow.

The world is my classroom..

I am really happieee!!! * Jumps up to hug her mother* Got called up for an interview for Global Immersion Program. I hope I don't screw things up... Really hope I get to go! Applied for it since last month and the wait for them to call me up was almost unbearable. Felt like I was sitting on eggs. I chose to go to US, India, Switzerland and France (actually, that's all the countries they offered). Hopefully, I'll get to go to University of Washington, in Seattle. Clasp my hands together and pray fervently. Reason for wanting to go on exchange is to see the world out of Asia or at least experience a radically different culture. I feel that KL, Taiwan, Hong Kong is still not as unfamiliar as India, France or Switzerland. Somehow, I feel that I won't be too shocked by the people in the States. With all the American sitcoms and shows they screen here. However, I have never really interacted with Americans up close and personal. So yea, I guess I'll still be in for a culture shock. I suppose it's the kind of shock that I welcome. Please oh please oh please, let me get throught the stringent interview... ... Have to, no, MUST focus on impressing the interviwers.
Next Thursday, 9.45am. Wish me all the best! *inhales and exhales*

Still warming up... & Bon fete nationales!

It's already the 3rd week and I still cannot adapt to the mountian of readings that I have to complete. Not forgetting the assignments.. Headache. Been getting slight dizzy spells, probably due to the lack of exercise? Feel that my heart pumps harder and faster than it used to. Don't know what's wrong. Serves me right.
Watched Charlie and Chocolate Factory, the chocolate lake with its waterfall reminded me of, strangely, Milo. I'm sure many people have read the book before, but I have never read this particular book by Roald Dahl. I quite like Witches and Matilda. Liked the movie for its fantasy, the accurate portrayal of super spoilt brats and Willy Wonka's sarcastic wit. But, song and dance after each kid disappeared was redundant, it's too much. The song lyrics were pretty silly, but I like! Felt it was rather inventive. Haha. I think the guy who acted as the "what-do-you-call-it?" (small dwarf-like men) should have been paid alot, he was practically present in every scene. The best musical-movie I watched by far is Moulin Rouge, really wanted to watch Chicago though. Watched it with Leb, he didn't like it. He felt it was too absurd and silly, whereas I liked it for it's silliness. It helped regain a little of my child-like wonderment. Ah well, each to their own. *plbbt- sticks tongue out* But, it's a bummer to pay so much for a show you didn't enjoy. So, yea, I understand.
Stuck at home today, trying to complete my readings... *yawn*The family has disappeared since this morning. Sometimes, it feels as if I live alone. When I'm around, nobody is. When I'm not, someone will be at home. I suppose I'm used to being alone. Everybody's off to their own activities. Dad's at IKEA and mum's at my aunt's place. I have no idea why Dad's at IKEA all by himself, I never trusted his taste in things. Hope he doesn't buy something ugly back. :p Happy to be alone at home, getting some peace and quiet with my textbooks, notes and dog. All that is missing is cold weather, a fireplace, a rocking chair and some hot cocoa.

Procastination maketh an ass out of me.

Getting really frustrated by the subject combination for applying to INSTEP( Don't ask me what it means, it's the acronym for the exchange program). Couldn't find matching modules to take. May not be applying for INSTEP after all because the deadline is so near and I have not prepared anything. Apply next semester? Think it'll be better that way. Wanted to go pester Julian Lescar for help, but realised that I don't even know how to ask him which area I need help in. Having to balance schoolwork with the lengthy application is not helping at all.
With the start of this semester, it's back to the delicate balance of having a life and clearing my work. Feeling suffocated already. Shall not procrastinate. MUST clear work! Won't say that school has been boring, on the contrary I've been too busy to be bored. Alright, I almost fell asleep for a few lectures. But, a student's got to do what a student got to do righto? My primary duty is to keep awake during lectures. Yawn...
Quote of the day: Short is pretty. ( Not quoted by me.) Yes, No?
Rubbish. Haha.
Played with bacteria during lab and managed to get out of the lab with no purple or red stains. Klutzy me did not upset any dye to tie-dye my lab coat. Come to think of it, it's actually quite cool to have a purple or pink lab coat, no? Argh... Lab report. Wish it would write itself.

What will I give to be in a better situation?

The reason why I enjoy watching movies so much is because they transport me into an ideal world where the good guys triumph and the bad guys lose. Where losers end up winning. Whereby my troubles suddenly seem insignificant compared to the crisis the faced in the plot. I've just watched The Island and Wedding Crashers this week. Both were good.
The Island was thought provoking, delving into the ethics of cloning. Although the movie was highly far from reality, but the essence of it is real. We can clone humans, just that we are not so adept at it yet. Yes, yet. Sacrificing one human to save another's life. How ethical is that? Isn't it tantamount to murder?
Wedding Crashers was crude... Had alot of dirty humour, dealing with certain parts of the anatomy. However, it was still funny. I just didn't find extreme ( I mean seriously extreme) dirty jokes funny, I can only say they were gross! Jx won tickets to the movie, she's always winning movie tickets and I benefit as her friend! Free movies! Haha.
Enough with self-delusion. In reality, I feel tired. Things have been happening this week, bad things. Received a not very pleasant e-mail, that caused me to feel guilty. Because, it was indeed my fault. It proved that I am not such a trustworthy person after all, I didn't do anything when things were still within my control. Secondly, there's imminent trouble approaching. Rest will be going to sleep and never waking up, dreaming a pleasant dream. Weary of life at 20? This is abit too soon, isn't it?

School is in full swing!

I had my first full day. Meaning with tutorials and lab starting this week. I got lab tomorrow, which means I have to crawl out of bed at 6.30am... Who in the right mind gets up this early?? I have became lazier upon graduation from NJ. Almost felt like dozing off at the last lecture I had for the day, as a result I didn't catch somethings that the lecturer was saying. It all sounded like droning to me. Only the textbook can save me now. Independent learning does pay off, especially if you can't catch everything during lectures. I wonder if it's useful to record down lectures on tape? Can listen to them if I get insomnia again. Haha. Oh well.. Worth a try. Sick of going, "Huh? What did he say? Did you all catch anything?" Well, we're all comatose. The deaf leading the deaf.
I have kind of given up on eating lunch in NTU. Just asked Jac to help me buy sandwiches to eat at school. They opened up a cafe at my school alright, but which student can afford to eat there on a daily basis? Might as well don't even open it, since the food is expensive and not tasty either. Open another canteen!!! Besides that, I've been immersed in the world of nerves, bacteria and biostatistics. 3 months of vacation is simply not done.

Still alive.

Had fun at French tutorial. French 101: Je (jeeer) m'appelle (mapal) Dawn. Je (jeeer) suis (sui) Singapourenne (Singa-poo-yearn). Try asking me next time when you meet me if have difficulty pronouncing, I'm laughing myself silly trying to pronounce already. It's difficult, but fun. Don't even get started on the conjugates... *faint*
Anyway, I'm a horrible person? I just wonder when some of my friends upset me when I don't deserve such ill-treatment. Don't be mistakened I've got great friends, but I suppose I am in such a state because it's somehow my own fault. Just want to say that I'm not omnipotent, but I try my best to be a good friend. It's just so difficult to not expect anything in return. I'm starting to think it's impossible.

3 day week and a fantastic timetable! Whee!

School has officially started, but not my labs and tutorials. Which explains why I don't have to attend school today and tomorrow!! Hahaha. But, I still have tutorials to complete... :'( At least no lab reports to write yet. Still, I have a 11page reading to do about stem cells and answer the questions given. The article is definitely not reader friendly. I can't even understand the overview!! I can't understand what they did to the poor lab mice. It's written in an unfathomable language. Argh. Have about 4 weeks to finish it... Help.
Spent all morning trying to log in to STARS. Finally got through at 2pm, after 4 hours of not-stop trying. I really thank God for the current timetable. It's great! I'm taking French... Wonder if it will be easier to understand than the article that I have to read. Lessons are nicely packed with no large empty breaks. So, I can end school at 4.30 to 5.30pm. It's pretty good :D
Welcome back to the grind. *sweats*

Horrible Timetable... ...

Actually, my timetable was pretty good. Until they didn't give me the GE I wanted. Now, I have 2 days that end at 7.30pm... One of them has a 5 hours break in between. What am I going to do?? Yeah, I can do my work. But, I absolutely detest having to wait that long! 5 whole hours. It's ridiculous. Should I drop it? Then again, I heard that next semester things will get worse. Which is not a good time to pick up a GE. Really at a loss.

Headache...

New sunglasses...

I have a headache after speed marking the worksheets. Ouch. Treated myself to a delicious chocolate cupcake from toast after work today hoping that it will alleviate the irritating headache...
Met mum in Orchard after work, since she wanted to get out of Yishun so desperately. Window shopped while waiting for her, did not find anything that fit. Yikes. What do you think of my sunglasses? Haha. My mum thinks that they are cool. I just think that they look funny on me.

Topography

Promised to play tour guide today and I did, didn't get to shop with Wy after all. She suddenly had to go to Malaysia with her family. Met Jh and we went in search for the tutorial rooms and lecture theatres. In return, he treated me to lunch :) Before we left NTU, we dropped by my previous Hall. Charlene, Corinne and Candice ( 3 Cs) were there today because of the freshmen Hall camp, but didn't see Jac. Haven't seen Jac for the whole holiday... ... Didn't go for camp last year and strangely I have no regrets. I am very happy to have befriended the 3 Cs and Jac.
Finally took a photo with my roomie. :) Hope to post them up soon.
Felt pretty detached today, because I was some sort of distracted. Don't know if I'm overreacting.

A small hiccup.

I am not sure what subjects I'm registered for. Uh oh. I know what core subjects are registered, but I'm clueless about the GE and PE. I applied for 2 GEs and 1 PE. Don't know which one I got, because the system doesn't show it. I'm in suspense. Honestly, I really don't know if I should just take French for the sake of going to Switzerland. I think not.. I can't force myself to learn French that quickly in 6 months and lessons are conducted in French... ... So, I really will die if I go there. Choir, Malay, Forensic Science. Which one did I get?
School's reopening. Playing tour guide for a friend tomorrow. Hopefully I haven't forgotten how to get around school. Haha. 3 months is long, feel strange going back to school.
Finished reading HBP yesterday, really didn't like the ending. But, I suppose the death and departure of those close to Harry Potter marks the slow transition of Harry's maturity and independence. Sort of reflects reality doesn't it? As we grow older, the people around us come and go. There are some people whom you did like to stay with forever, but there's no such thing as forever. A lifetime perhaps. I wonder what will happen to Draco Malfoy?? Will he turn to the light side? I love misunderstood villians!! Muahahaha.

Rejected again.

Although it is not possible to study Medicine anymore, miracles can happen. However, miracles are not happening. I got rejected by UWA saying that my ISAT scores weren't good enough.. What rubbish.. I scored 100% in one section and close 90% in the other. Which is already higher than the average Tom, Dick or Harry. What's not yours will not be yours. Even with the grades, I don't have the $$. I am licked God. I know it is somewhere that You seriously don't want me to go. Then where?? I really don't know anymore. Shall I just shut myself away in some god-forsaken research lab? Ok, who knows I may discover some cure.
Then You make in me charge of so many things involving MONEY. I always do something MONEY- related. Makes me start wondering why I didn't take accountancy. That word just evokes so much emotion in my family. Just that mere word mentioned, and arguments, cold wars and fights can start in this household. Yes, this is the kind of family I live in. We aren't money-minded people, but circumstances have forced us to be mercenary and calculative. I just HATE that word. I don't believe that MONEY is evil, but it's the attitude we have towards it. You know what? Maybe I don't care anymore. I save what I can and spend on what I must or should.
Have yet to collect my Harry Potter... Sigh. Will do it first thing in the morning tomorrow!!

Chick Flicks and Chicks.

Argh.. I think I am turning girly-girl. Well, went over to Leng's for to watch Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants and 13 going on 30. 2 chick flicks in a day is enough to melt my brain. Well, such movies just have a tendency to make you turn into mush and encourage wishful thinking? Haha. Moral of the stories (yes, plural): There's always a guy waiting for you at the end of the rainbow. Well, Sisterhood was interesting it also deals with family and life. 12 year old girl who died of Leukemia and a broken family. So, it wasn't all brainless romance... Oh well, I don't watch chick flicks all the time anyway. Watching them all the time will kill me. No massive doses please. Hung aroung Leng's place surfed the Net together, looked at some ridiculous flashmovies... ... Some of which were too lame for me to understand.
Met Na and Rx at Sembawang to go to Teng's. We ordered pizza!!! Yummy :) Basically an all girl's night-in. Watched TV while wolfing down the food and yakking all at the same time. Proof that girls can multi-task. Really had fun just talking rubbish, serious stuff and commenting about the TV shows. Mostly, girly-stuff. But, it was fun!! Must have more of such dinners :)
Well... Sometimes I hate being female. Some biological reasons.

Rainy Sunday and Departure Monday

Went blading with Teng and Rx on Sunday. It was definitely not our day... Some bird decided to pass motion on my haversack. The bus that was supposed to go to East Coast got diverted to another bus stop that could not be located. So, we spent half an hour waiting for the non-existent bus. The worse of all, was the sudden downpour only after we rented our blades. It stopped for awhile for us to blade and suddenly poured again. Left us all drenched. However, it was fun!! We bladed on the cyclist's path and realised how different it was from skating in the rink. We fell and had a good laugh at what happened. We also saw a rainbow bubble sitting on a cloud.








Sent both Mel and Cheryl off yesterday. Will miss the both of them. Everyone seems to be going Australia.. Rx will be leaving this Friday. Hope that school will be enjoyable :) I really hope that one day I'll have a chance to go overseas for a studying stint too. Instead of staying for a few days in a foreign country as a tourist, it will be really fun to actually live there long enough to really discover the country instead of just seeing the superficial side of the country. Maybe that might make me love Singapore even more.

Love-Ly Drama Queen

I don't know why I should be so upset over small things. Maybe I am not upset over the thing, but the people involved in it. Relax silly goose. Nothing really matters, since everything is out of my control. Everything's in His hands. Do I sound resigned? I could be. Feel that my best is never good enough, that I live more by grace than faith. Sometimes, I also feel as though no human being on Earth really cares. Oh Boo Hoo! What a tragedy! I know that's not true, but I doubt the truth. Honestly, this belief stems from self-centeredness. Which is why I'm pretty disgusted with my attitude. On the other hand, it also could be the fact that everyone is to a certain degree self-centred. Which is why, I am not the only person who tends to feel the same way. Everybody is just preoccupied with themselves and I am preoccupied with MY problems, MY feelings, MY etc... ... Is this healthy? What's self-love and what's being self-centered? I don't know how to differentiate between the two. You do things that are the best for yourself = self-love and you do things that are best for yourself not caring whether it affects other people postively or negatively = self-centered? Maybe I should have taken Philosophy in NUS instead, with all the crap I can come up with.
Watched F4 yesterday. ( No, not the Taiwan boyband! Fantastic 4!) Honestly, I was abit lost. But, alright managed to piece everything together after awhile. I seriously think too much. Maybe I should just get my brains removed. Tralala. Ate stinky beancurd also... ... Urgh. Died. I came back in spirit to blog. ( No, I'm still quite alive, I just had my brains removed. Explains the rubbish above.) Ok, I like the crispiness, the bite. But, NOT the smell and taste. Smells as though you haven't brushed your teeth for days. Oh well, I'm not alone in this. That's what matters. Hahaha. Tired. *eyelids drooping*

London Bombings

No Singaporeans were harmed during the bombings. Wonder which part of Europe Jx and her boyfriend is in now? Hopefully not London, since the situation there seems chaotic. It's freaking scary planting bombs at what 5 to 6 subway stations and 2 double deckers. Really hope that they are not in London.
If it's our MRT stations being bombed... Almost happened though. Quite nearby to boot. Realised that people will not make a big outburst of things that almost happened, but never did. Only when something happens and people die, then there will be alot of news. Perhaps it's also because there's no news to report when nothing happens. The media cashes in when there's sensational news. Take the 911 incident for instance. I'm pretty sure they made a quick buck when people grabbed all newspapers and magazines off the rack. I think that its neither right nor wrong for the media to cash in on bad news. They are reporting facts and giving the public what they want. However, this only extends to 'real news' not gossip columns.
I am guilty of reading gossip columns sometimes. But, is it ethical for a publishing company to cash in on someone's private life? Pitiful sods.
Sorry about the GPish entry! Haha.

Enjoying life thus far.

Sporting events of the day: HK drama serial marathon and swimming.
It was nostalgic watching the drama serial aired on Channel 8 four years ago. Couldn't believe that time has passed so quickly. Trying to pace myself, not too watch too many VCDs in one sitting. Who knew watching drama serials can be a sport? Haha. Sign me up for the Olympics! I am just so tempted to keep watching, watching and watching. After all, changing discs isn't much of a chore.
Took time off from TV marathon to swim. I swam 10 laps! Amazing. Considering the fact that I am not as fit as I used to be 1 year and few months ago. However, I was the slowest in the pool. People finished swimming 1 lap and I was still halfway to 3/4way through the lap. Plus, I got a head start. I just couldn't help noticing. Jia you Dawn! I really need it. No speed at all.
Quite sad that I've got work tomorrow.. Can't bum around at home. I love being a bum :) It's so addictive. Like drama serials. Once you start, you can't stop.

IOC at City Hall.

Went out, ate alot of sweet stuff. Overloaded on sugar. Better start exercising tomorrow! Just detest the feeling of lethargy sinking in making you feel like a lump of lard. Better slack away when I still can and get my exchange program application done soon. Seriously, the form is a chore to fill in. It's super long-winded... But, for the sake of a new environment. I'll do it. Soon.
Will be doing a VCD marathon tomorrow :p (Thank Leb for the VCDs) Welcome to a slacker's life!!! Hahaha. Perhaps start clearing my room the week before school starts. Don't you just envy me?
Slacking aside. I quite regret not buying the T-shirt I saw at Bugis last week with Candice. It wasn't expensive, but somehow I just wasn't inclined to buy it then. When I went back today, it's gone. *Poof*
Moral of the story: Don't ever drag things on for too long. They will not wait for you to make up your mind. Can be applied to many things in life. Carpe Diem: Seize the moment.
People say that I appear to more laid back these days. Don't look as burnt out as I was back in JC. Perhaps this has got to do with all the letting go I've been doing for the past few months. I am a girl without a long term goal, the future is a big ? mark. Medicine has really closed its doors on me. I'll just keep knocking and wait for the door to open. After all, "stubborn" is my middle name. Or, if you want to put it nicely, determined.

Overtime.

Had a pretty hectic day, deposited my pay cheque today. Grabbed lunch before going to work. Had a craving for fried chicken, therefore I went to eat at KFC. Was sitting alone in the crowded fast food restaurant, just wanted to eat as quickly as possible and get out of there. I don't know if it sounds strange, but food isn't as tasty when you eat alone. I have less enthusiasm to eat when alone. But, when I'm hungry I don't really care anymore. Or I switch on the TV for company. That's what I do when I have to eat alone at home. Do I sound like I have some kind of pyschotic disorder? Worked till 8 plus today because I had to tutor Chloe in Chinese. Chloe is one of the younger kids at the centre. Very endearing little girl :) She looks like a doll! Normally I don't do such things, but my colleague, Cindy, had to leave earlier today. So, she left Chloe with me. I was abit lost in the beginning though. Thank God that things went ok. Reached home at 9 plus for dinner... Strangely, I didn't feel hungry at all.
Just feel like I can go on working non-stop. Suddenly just want to drown myself in work and forget that the rest of the world exists. That is highly possible when the semester starts. What's the next milestone in my life? Graduation? Everything seems cliche. Suddenly, I just feel so jaded and cynical.

Hip Hip Hooray! More tests.. Believe it or not.

You are happy, driven, and status conscious. You want everyone to know how successful you are. Very logical, you see life as a game of strategy. A bit of a loner, you prefer to depend on yourself. You always keep your cool and your composure. You are a born leader and business person.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it. You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream. What Flavor Ice Cream Are You? You Are a Visionary Soul You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul What Kind of Soul Are You? You Are From the Moon You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon. You're in touch with your emotions and intuition. You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory. Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone). A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many. What Planet Are You From? You Belong in 1962 1962 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! What Year Do You Belong In? Your EQ is 140 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)? You Are Strawberry Pocky Your attitude: fresh and sweet Comforting, yet quirky ... quietly hyper You always see both sides to everything What Flavor Pocky Are You? You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince) (You are more dramatic than 40% of the population.) You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention. Are You a Drama Queen (or King)? You Are A Good Friend You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"! What Kind of Friend Are You? You Are Socks! Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet. What Crappy Gift Are You? Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have? You Are Not Scary Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet? How scary are you? How Your Attitude Ranks Your Attitude is Better than 50% of the Population If you scored... 80-100: You've got a winner attitude. You're always optimistic and cheery. Your personality will get you far in life. 60-79: You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you. 40 - 59: You have a positive attitude... somtimes. You prefer to see the world through clear glasses, not rose colored ones. 20 - 39: You have an average attitude. You take the good and bad in life as they come. Though sometimes you could use a little more good. 0-19: You have a negative attitude. You tend to see the dark side of every situation. Free ice cream? No thanks, it will just make you fat! How's Your Attitude? Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world. Your Secondary Thinking Style: Visioning You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum. What's Your Thinking Style? I think some of the results are pretty inaccurate. The crux of the problem lies in the sort of questions they ask. Too vague? Anyway, it's all done in the name of f-u-n. Went out with Jas and Germ to eat at Fish & Co and watched Batman Begins. Food was definitely good, better still was the unlimited refills of mango-carrot for $4. Alas, we spent alot on dinner. Watching a movie today is also costly... But, we don't get to go out with Jas often. Last met her during the November holidays last year. Batman Begins exceeded my expectations, albeit some scenes were meant to be scary more than funny/silly. It has a dark, gothic feel. ( Well, bats. Whaddya expect?) Over spending again.. God help me with my faith pledge.

Chocs for thought.

4 Changes that sets u apart from unbelievers.
1. Attitude towards your circumstances.
Meaning: Willing to have faith that God is in control even when things are bad. Really bad.
2. Strong Character
Meaning: One that will hold fast to God? Not give up easily.
3. Concentration
Meaning: Focusing on God's purpose for our lives.
4. Confidence
Meaning: The "thing" that gives you the surety to do something.
I suppose I really lack 2, 3. I tend to veer off course frequently and that is because I have a weak character. Sometimes, I tend to struggle with 1,4 too. I suppose life hasn't always been kind to everyone. Doubts just creep into your head. Pray, pray and pray... I just reflect badly on Jesus don't I? I try my best not to reflect badly on God... Yet, I have to be honest at the same time. Some people just appear to be happy even though they are hurting inside. I don't know how they do it. I'm an open book, I don't really try to hide what I'm feeling. Though I'm capable to doing so, but it's just too tiring to do that, no?
Sermon was about moving and giving. It tied up with the faith pledge. Honestly, I can't even promise $120 as my money does not belong to me. I am really going by faith after all the events that have happened recently. But, I should be able to if nothing goes wrong. I feel that I give too little to God.. Everything seems to be about self-gratification. When will I stop living for myself?? Then life will have more meaning won't it?
I just thank God for all the people in my life. Though I get majorly upset and pissed off with them at times, they still are wonderful in their own unique way. Just wondering, how far would you go out of your way to help someone? How much would you sacrifice? And why would you sacrifice that much? Very often, I tend to ask people to make sacrifices for me. Just because I think I deserve it. Things just don't work this way.

I need the loo... ...

Did not sleep well yesterday night. Kept going to the loo during odd hours because of a mild case of food poisoning from the eating or drinking too much yoghurty stuff? I have a weak stomach that I admit. Hope Candice does not share the same problem. But, I'm fine now. Dinner went well, without the need to purge immediately after eating and no tummyache.
Accompanied Mum to get her beads from Chinatown AGAIN. I am becoming an Ah Ma. Sigh. Well, at least dinner's on her :) And boy was dinner scrumptious! Had birdnest almond eggtart. Interesting.