Unpredictable part 2.

God showed me something again today. Yesterday I was lamenting about the unpredictability of life and today, "Wham!" I get an answer smacked in my face just when I don't expect it at all.
I was upset over an email that simply stated that the exchange to US is under review and to wait for another semester and even then nothing's confirmed. I truly felt sick of waiting and hanging around for confirmation. Why? Few months back, I applied. Some got accepted and others rejected. Me? I waited and waited but no answer came, at that point in time, I thought they had thrown my application away and didn't even bother to tell me about the outcome. So I gave up hope. Suddenly, they called. I GOT IT!!
Then now this. I feel like they're playing with my feelings.
This morning, the office called again and now the co-ordinator wants to see me. I wonder. For what? I have no idea what she's going to tell me. Though I replied that brief email asking about what's going on, I doubt she wants to meet me because of my reply. She could have just emailed back. So, frankly I have no clue.
The main thing that happened was not about the exchange programme.
It is about my attitude. I dislike it. Why can't I be more patient and wait upon the Lord?? And why am I always so uncontented?
Unlike Uncle Joey Kong who's a friend of 老爸. He has a rare kind of cancer and is the longest survivor of it. He was diagnosed with it 10 years ago at an advanced stage and the doctor told him was going to die in a few weeks. By God's grace he is still alive now and on trial for a new drug. I know it sounds really simple, but do you have any idea how many people he had brought to salvation because of his illness? Instead of staying at home away from the crowd like what the doctor told him to (a simple flu can kill him now), he continues to volunteer/counsel at the cancer centre and work. He even has a family to take care of. Auntie Yvonne, his wife, is a wonderful person. The drug he's taking now is giving him kidney failure and the loss of sense of taste. He thanks God for using him to bring so many people to Christ, but he suffered so much for it and he thinks it's worth the price.
His testimony makes me think. Here I am lamenting over losses and broken promises and feeling sorry for myself and there he is serving God and really living life to the fullest. Honestly, what really matters?

Unpredictable.

Like what Prof Lun says, " There's no such thing as 100%, there will always be a chance that..."I can't seem to appreciate the unpredictability of life. A girl whom I knew came down with a relapse of cancer again. She was someone with everything that I wanted, but now she's lying in the hospital bed instead. Unable to eat at all. I pray that God will perform a miracle, this kind of unpredictability I can accept.
Things keep going wrong all the time, I really need a break whereby things just flow smoothly, predictably for awhile. Everytime when things seem rosy and fine, something has to change to spoil the picture. I hate it when circumstances swallow me up, I feel so defeated. Even when there's something that I can do about the situation, I'll learn not to act on it until I have seeked His will. Heh. I know God will never stop sending trials my way because He knows that I need alot of sharpening to be effective. But, I feel so tired!!! Help. I'm only 20 and I already wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Cell leading = Heavy Responsibilty

I signed it. I signed it. I just signed it a couple hours back!! This is another significant event in my Christian life. Of course the 1st was baptism, immersed in the pool in the middle of the sanctuary, then return back to the stage decked in all white then walking down the aisle (sounds like dum da da dum) in twos with a guy I hardly knew. Right, I was baptised without company, so no friends to walk with.
This is different. Somehow, God is so real in my life than He has ever been before. Yes, I still fall and hurt myself, but I know He will be there to kiss the wound and make it all better. I really depend on Him, there's no other way to get enough wisdom to be able to take care of other people. There will always be kinks in life and life without kinks is plain meaningless. I should I say tasteless? I still wonder if life will be meaningless if we don't fall down and suffer.
My main concern now is... Getting my spiritual food, so that I can feed others. And.. Why do I feel so needy??

Revelations, some of which I really don't like.

I've been like a demagnetised magnet. I used to think that I have pretty good polarity, but after 1 year plus in university I feel like I actually am pretty directionless. Yes yes, I do have goals... But, it's not about goals. I feel that I don't really know myself very well. For example, what I enjoy doing or who I really am. I'm pretty confused. Plus, I'm pretty good at lying and justifying things to fit my fancy. Blergh. It's time to get repolarized according to His word and oh man, it hasn't been easy. Been reading this book by Joshua Harris, it's been a pretty difficult book for me to read as it shone right smack on the dark crevices in my cracked life and it really hurts my eyes to read the book. But, hey it's been helpful, I pray I can live up to it. The message was, "Intimacy is the reward for being committed". It's selfish if I want to enjoy being close to someone and yet don't want to or rather cannot commit. After everything I did, I can only conclude that I am ignorant and foolish. But, I honestly had no idea that things will become like that. Let this be a lesson learnt that will not be repeated again, no matter what my flesh says.
Other than doing alot of soul searching, I've watched In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown.
Personally, I think In Her Shoes is lots better, it's not a chick flick as I thought it was, it talks alot about forgiveness and family. Life's been different and it will get even more different as my perspectives change. Perhaps my "depolarisation" is a result of changing attitudes. Hope I get the right ones.
School's been good :) Strange that I actually feel this way despite all the crazy questions that's been thrown at us. Feel that I haven't been really living life to the fullest.

A really looooong day...

Woke up at 7.30am today and my first contemplation of the day was, "Should I skip lect today?" I was super tired, all the accumulated lack of sleep is taking its toll on me already and it seems to be psychological. I mean I didn't sleep much during the hols. I guess it's the waking up early thing. Went for lecture and then rushed to class.. Was a few minutes late and as a result was quite flustered, which was baaad. Felt like a disorganized mess. Had a angry parent confronting me...But things were fine in the end. After class, rushed to church and finally reached home at 10.30pm. Could have went home later, but half of me wanted to go home. Haven't been doing much work either. Sigh. Oughta spend tomorrow catching up with my books.
Will be officially commissioned as cell leader next week, increasing the stress level further. Well, I'm quite happy with all the 'busyness' actually. But, all of it is pretty self-centred. Algene calls me 'ice queen', but will say something if I have something good to say. NOOOO!!! I don't want to be 'ice queen'... Sigh. Reminds me of the white witch from the chronicles of narnia... Ok, out of point, she's the villian in the story and I'm not supposed to be villianous. I wonder what's wrong with me. Too self-conscious? In other words... *ahem* self-centred?

Shopaholic

This is my room. I'm starting to think that it resembles a hostel room, perhaps I brought my way of life from hall back with me. But, my room is definitely more cluttered than my hostel room and slightly bigger too. :p But, somehow I still like my room. The clutter and the wooden furniture makes things cozy. Alright. It's messy, but it's an organized mess. Haha.

This strawberry look-a-like was THE reason why I went all the way to NUS. Only 50 copies sold in NTU for a cohort of 150 people!! What's wrong with the school bookshop? Don't even want to do business. Well, I have many readings from the book, which is why I have a good reason to get so 'kan cheong'. All 50 copies were sold out on the day of the 1st lecture, which explains how enthusiastic my fellow coursemates are about Immunology... Too enthu if you ask me...
Went shopping in school! Wahaha. Seiyu had a sale over in the auditorium, we bought a couple of things and it was sooooo cheap. A calender that normally costs about 20 plus only cost about 6-7 buckaroos there. So satisfied! Hahaha.

Some Phuket Photos. Finally!

A small glimpse of what we were up to in Phuket. :p

I just want to leave everything behind.

My spirits haven't lifted up much. That's as much as I can say. In the year of 2006, there will be so many more new responsibilties and challenges to face. I've never felt this tired before, not even when I was in JC and knew that I almost got retained. Things get harder every year don't they? Currently, my S1 science class has 9 students. But, they are alright. Hope they actually learnt something from my classes!!! Put in effort to make notes for them. Somehow, they do cheer me up a little by making me forget about myself. In class, I become Miss Koh or rather Dawn, the blur science teacher. Haha. As for my P4s... Well. There's really alot more that I need to do for them. I'm quite clueless. How does one go about teaching English??!! Argh.
I used to attend Morris Allen speech and drama lessons and find that it really helped me in mastering English. But, I would say that their methods are rather unconventional, involving mostly play and reading. There was not other way I could learn things in primary school. Seriously. I was one of those kids who can't study. Alright I wasn't stupid, perhaps just slow.
I miss Faye, my DG leader from school. She just flew over to Atlanta a few days back and will only be back before I go to the same place that she went to. It's pity that we miss each other this way. She's going to the same place, but at a different time. Just 1 sem before me!!! :( Bleah. Maybe God wants me to continue what she's going to accomplish there. I'm sure God didn't allow me to go there to twiddle my thumbs.
Perhaps I want to leave because, the past is not doing me any good. I haven't been myself and I'm in so deep that I don't even realise it. People tell me that I've been staring into space looking distracted. Being unaffected and leaving everything behind is impossible, unless by the grace of God I get partial amnesia. Been escaping of late. When I can't solve the problem, I try to escape from it. I tried so hard, but it doesn't leave me alone. There's no where to run and hide. I wish I were unaffected too. How long will it take to heal these wounds? When will they even start healing? They are not healing. Time doesn't make a difference when I'm not allowed to heal. What will it take to heal me then? If only I could get the message across.

nerd. Not!

A Confession: I am weird.

Yes. So I am weird. I hate to admit it but I seriously cannot get the frequency of most people. I'm becoming an alien. It didn't seem so bad last time, but now I really don't understand what you guys are laughing about. I really don't understand. Perhaps it's not just one person I cannot understand, but all of you. What was said makes sense now, perhaps it's not only you that I cannot connect with, but with the rest of the crowd. Or maybe, what happened made me more aware of my disability to connect with others and makes me feel worser than ever. I will never understand how and why things turned out this way.
It's so difficult to talk to anyone.
It works in some twisted way. To me, you have the same frequency as a normal person and if I can't communicate with you, I can't communicate with them either. So, that makes me an alien. And guess what? It's true. I can't get through to all of you.

It's only school.

Went for the 1st lecture yesterday, I couldn't understand what Dr Rupert was talking about. Looks like I've got quite alot to work on and I better work instead of talking about it only. This week's still pretty slack, only 2 lectures. School hasn't gone into full swing yet, which is quite comfortable actually. Sometimes I think that uni is reaaaally waaaay too slack because of my seemingly short timetable..Must not forget that alot is about self-studying now.
Glad to see everyone back in school, got to know more people from my course from the recently ended hols. 2 of my classmates are back from exchange, they sound really happy. Can't wait for August to come around!
In case you are wondering why I removed the last post.. It's because it was too depressing, reading it makes me feel uncomfortable. I pray that Jesus will heal me and help me to be more like Him, instead of being more cynical, etc...

2 more days to the new year

School's starting soon. Don't really like the new timetable because lessons start at 8.30am and end as late as 5.30pm.. Not going to take any electives this semester since I've already completed all the units required for electives. So au revoir francise. Don't expect it to be a more relaxing semester although there are only 5 modules. Besides school, I've got tuition to teach and new responsibilities in church. Life for the next 6 months.
YEP is on Saturday, been asked share my testimony on how I came to Christ. There's nothing dramatic about how I accepted Christ into my life, things happened gradually. I did not face resistance from my parents, things fell into place. But, life as a Christian has been a tumultous one, it's exactly like running a marathon. Sometimes, my lungs feel like they're going to burst, but I have to continue the race.

Merry Christmas!

Performed outside Takashimaya on Friday, half an hour of carolling sure can pass by really fast! Didn't even feel like it was over. I don't know why, but something is missing this Christmas or is it different? The lights down Orchard Rd don't hold too much appeal to me anymore, the hustle and bustle due to Christmas shopping seems disconnected from my life. Like I am not part of it anymore. This is also the 1st time in many years I am spending Christmas eve at home, usually I probably be out. When I was younger, it was always with my parents at St. Andrew's cathedral's midnight mass. For the past few years, it has been dinner at my aunt's or hanging out with friends till wee hours in the morning. Christmas day is the day to get concussed. Or rather, I suppose I don't need much sleep nowadays. I desire sleep but sometimes it doesn't come easily. Perhaps drowning myself in work has taken away all my expectations for Christmas.
Of course, I musn't forget that this is the day that Christ our Saviour is born. That is something to celebrate!!

4 days flew by.

4 days of being a camp group leader has taught me many things and how I can improve. I can't help but admit that I am socially challenged. Seriously have to learn how to play more ice breakers and how to interact with people without stressing myself out, which results in mental blocks. My behaviour goes funny when I'm stressed and that's not good!!! I'm sure some of my grp members found me slightly off the kilter at times.
Thank you God for being there and blessing my group members individually, that each of us went home refreshed and with renewed fervor for You despite all that had happened during the camp. There were ups and downs. All I can say is that I would have been much worse off if I hadn't surrendered and kept asking Him, "How? What should I do now Lord? How can I bless my group members??"The thought of asking and seeking God did not come to me initially and this made me realise how self-reliant I was, how much I was using my own strength to accomplish tasks. What I based my self-worth on. If people are not pleased by what I do or didn't do, I will feel that I am inferior. But, God doesn't want me to please people, He wants me to please Him and this doesn't mean pleasing people for the sake of them liking me. This was a tough lesson for me to understand as it's been pretty confusing to differentiate between the 2 sometimes. Sometimes, decision making is a pain to me, especially when it involves other people. There's this over-whelming fear that the wrong decision will result in embarrasment or hurting the other person.
Things that have lost their meaning over the years have regained their meaning again, if not even more. The words hit me so hard that I reached another level of worshipping God altogether. It truly is much better to give than to receive. I wish I could give even more, but I feel so limited. I have to learn how to trust God and not to keep a death-grip on the way I run my life. Meaning that I shouldn't be so adamant about things and the possible outcomes. As we played the games, attended the sessions, worshipped God and carried on with other activities, things I thought which would never work out broke down right before my eyes. I've gotten some solutions and I can't wait to learn about even more solutions that I can find from the Bible.
Things are not going to be easy and I pray that I will be able to apply what has been taught to me.
There were times I felt like breaking down and there were times when I thought only of myself, those were the times when I felt so weak that I was ready to throw in towel and forget about everything. Especially when God what was dealing with things that I couldn't let go of.

Away for 4 days!

Camp's today! Won't be back till it's Monday. Hope I'll survive... ... Tired even b4 camp starts that's not a good sign. Got my voice back, but still sick.. Should I visit the doc again? Is it neccessary? Don't want to eat any more antibiotics. Pray that I'll be able to take care of others...

Please oh please pray for me

My voice is still taking a vacation in Phuket and has left me speechless. Jac insists that I sound like Ronald Weasley and gets entertained by me saying, "Bloody Hell!" I guess that's the only good thing that came out of this sore throat. I'm pretty entertained by my voice too, if not for the upcoming christmas choir and youth camp.
DOUBTS. I really wanna minister to others, but somehow I am not filled with the Spirit. How can I minister to others when I, myself am not able to listen and follow instructions from the Holy Spirit? I fear that whatever I say will sound shallow and meaningless to others. Why am I not filled???
Perhaps it's not that I am not filled, it's because I have to many things on my mind that I am deaf to the Spirit's calling. Like what?? I've got tuition stuff to prepare, which I must do by at least Thursday. My throat is still very bad, how to lead my group like that??! (and the camp is on Friday.) Worried that I cannot minister well enough to my group members because I'm so unsure if it's the Spirit leading or my own human wisdom. 2 other personal issues annnnd my results for this sem are coming out soon! This week or the next. Didn't fare very well this semester, was pretty careless during the exams. I feel like I have done some kind of injustice to myself if I get bad grades. Getting bad grades, will affect alot of things. E.g.: The honours, the exchange programme, my career and the list goes on... No need to elaborate.
I feel helpless. There's only so much I can do and why do I even feel more stressed than during the exams??! It's odd. The only thing I can do now is to commit every single thing to God and pray that He will have grace and mercy on me. Please pray for me. Arghhh. 疯了。

Hardly home these days.

I've officially fallen ill. Had to visit the doctor today. Was so uncomfortable that I woke up at 2am to throw a flu tablet into my ulcerated mouth and I lost my voice. Singing's out, therefore no choir practice for me today. I wonder how am I going to catch up... I wonder how is Cheryl faring in Paris.. Hope she's fine because we're both so sick.
Felt unrestrained and free in Phuket, like I was a born beach bum. Or maybe just bum. Haha. Because I spent quite a fair bit indoors, instead of outdoors tanning. Wore beach gear that I won't wear in Sg, for example a white spaghetti top. Perhaps I haven't gotten over being a beach bum yet, wearing jeans and covered shoes seem uncomfortable. Drank oversized cocktails at a mere price of 6 buckaroos. Tell me, where can you get such cocktails in Sg? Still, I'm slightly disappointed that I'm not as tanned as I would like to be and didn't get to shop as much as I hoped to. Will blog more about Phuket with the pictures.
Life's like a colour palette to me. Except the paints are all mixed up to produce different hues. I've dark grays, blue, bright red, orange, etc... Point is everything is mixed up!!! I am big contradiction myself.

Back from Phuket!

Left Singapore for Phuket on Monday morning. Reached the airport at 12am in the morning when our flight was 7am!!! Felt kind of depressed having to leave my home so early in the morning. Well, it's my fault. If I had insisted on taking a taxi or staying over at Cheryl's, I wouldn't have felt this way. In case you wondering why there are no pictures... I haven't got them yet. Have to wait till Cheryl's back from Europe before I'll meet up with her again and currently I don't feel too well... I left Sg feeling fluish and poor Cheryl caught the flu in Phuket...
Phuket.. is. kinda of boring. Then again, we did some fun stuff! The most exciting part of the trip was visiting Phi Phi Islands (Pronounced as Pee Pee). Went snorkelling with the colourful fishies, deep sea swimming and... Swam at the beach where they filmed, "The Beach" starring Leonardo DiCaprio. That beach was BEAUTIFUL!!! For once I really understood what it meant by deep blue sea after spending half a day in a speed boat out in the blue waters of the Andaman Sea. The water was so clear that you can see the sea bed and corals! Unfortunately it started raining when we reached that beach, but we still played and swam in the heavy rain. No wonder that we're sick. The currents in the sea were pretty strong too.
We stayed at sleazy Patong in Phuket.. Didn't snap any photos of the sleazy places, even boat quay, mohamed sultan combined is much less sleazy than what I've seen. You don't have to walk into the club, bar, pub to see the sleaze. Just walk along the streets. There are 3 streets filled with them. Transvestites, prostitutes and pole dancing galore. The place screamed, "Sex!"
Even Patong beach in the day is infested by vendors who sell souvenirs, drinks and offers of parasailing, jet-skiing and renting beach chairs. Been asked a million times if we wanted to go jet-skiing while tanning. Annnd maybe because we are uniquely Asian girls (Phuket is filled with Ang Mohs btw), the Thai guys on the beach flirted shamelessly with us... I felt kind of uncomfortable with this sort of attention. So much for peace and quiet. Ha. If a guy had went along with us, I think things would have been different.
Feeling tired. Will continue blogging soon... Can't wait to get the photos.

Officially declaring that I'm out of this freakin' world.

Realised that the passage into adulthood is not an easy rite. Lines that used to define what was right or wrong are now blurred or maybe I have never really questioned the values that were taught to me for the past 20 years. Which leads to the question of are some things really wrong? A simple example. Smoking is neither right nor wrong. But, from my point of view it's wrong. Before you smokers out there jump down my throat let me explain where I'm coming from. To me... Our bodies are temples for God. Knowing that smoking is harmful and addictive, I'm defiling my body= defiling God's temple? Same goes to other stuff that destroys/defiles the body. Ok... Once I was asked what about BBQed food? Isn't it carbon filled and carcinogenic (cancer causing)? Ah, then Dawn ah why you still eat ah? Alright. BBQ food is not toxic if it's not purposely burnt and eaten excessively ok? The amount we eat is insufficient to cause your cells to behave weirdly. Please lah. In that case, don't use shampoo lah! Shampoo also probably contains alot of carcinogens.
There's no absolute answer in this dynamic world. Bit my tongue countless times to stop myself from passing narrow-minded judgements. But, sometimes I fail. I suppose if you share the same perspective that our bodies are God's temple, then perhaps you can understand. Because smoking and a whole lot of other things used to be pretty neutral as long as they don't harm others and whether we harm ourselves is our own business. Until I really knew Him. Therefore, I will try my best, or rather, must not do anything that defiles God's temple. My life is not mine. So to speak.

More stamina please.

Started attachment in school today, really happy to see familiar faces in the lab. Wanted to wake up earlier to eat breakfast in school at Mc's today, but I couldn't wake up due to my screwed bio clock. Been sleeping on the average at 3am everyday for the past week and was expected to sleep at 12 plus and wake up at 8.30am today, which is an impossible feat!! So at least I managed to reach school on time. First thing the prof said when we reached his lab was," Do you want to see your results?" And stacks of our exam papers were piled up on his desk. Very nice way of welcoming us to the lab. Haha. So.. Yep. I knew my results for my worst paper. I PASSED!!! Hope I can get a B. I expected to fail. Because I made so many mistakes. Apparently, I didn't fail the section that I expected to fail. Thank God :) Prof Y was very nice too. He taught us a few things today, thought he would just leave us without much guidance. Some profs don't guide you much and you wonder at the end of the day if you learnt anything at all. Hope that by the end of this stint in the lab, I'll be more familiar with preparing stuff.
Met Mummy at Causeway Pt. Ended up buying more stuff than I wanted. Instead of buying just shorts, ended up buying other stuff also... And I'm glad I ate enough for dinner. Coz... We bumped into my Mum's friend who has a 3 yr old little girl. She sure can run!!! Ended up chasing after her and I got NO stamina. After half an hour of playing.. I was telling her, "Jie Jie is tired cannot chase you liao."Hahahaha. Then she didn't want to let me go home. Then after I left, she was shouting at the top of her lungs, " Bye bye!!!" Little monster. Hee. But a very cute one!!! I like playing with kids.. But, realised that I probably don't have enough energy to play like one and don't have much chance to. I'm shy!! Haha.