Let's do the hustle!

Jac, Candice & Moi @ Cher & Fel's 21st!

Another weekend, another week passed. Been super duper busy, didn't do any revision last weekend at all. Hai. It's my fault, I know. 2 more weeks to exams... ... Argh... I'm so dead. Went to Fel and Cher's birthday party, went on an 11km hike at Macritchie and food trail. Woah. It's really time to sit down and study. I wonder if I am growing fatter. Hm....

Seems like it will never end.

I am exasperated with the neverending lab reports. Need time to revise for my exams! Argh.. I'm starting to think that my life is really unglam. Hur hur. Which probes me think what am I really living for? Hm.. I do admit that I want a glam life. So what's a glam life? Famous somebody? Alright, maybe not famous, but happening. I am starting to wonder what else am I good at other than my *ahem* not so fantastic studies. When I was 6 (i think), I wanted to become a pianist and perform on stage, heh but I was no child prodigy. I suppose I lacked the focus, you know child prodigies are very focused at what they like. Me? I can't even play anything on the piano now. Then, there was the cello. Haven't played it for years, forgotten all the basics. I feel so hopelessly stupid. Besides playing any instrument, there was also this fantasy about being a lawyer. Other than watching them debate, I didn't know what else they did. You know the glam stuff on TV... ...
Really wondering if this is the kind life I want. Graduate and try to go on to do a phD and then research in the lab for the rest of my life. Maybe discover something and in the process be so alone. I see my professors eating alone during lunch everyday, they don't really seem to talk to each other for fear of leaking out their research. It feels so lonely... I wanted to be a doctor, be surrounded by people, to be able to care for people. But, there seems to be no way to be one. I hate being alone. Every year I ask myself the same question. What do I want???
I feel that I'm being carried away, further and further away from everyone. Maybe one day when I talk, no one can understand what I say anymore.

The separation of the mind and body.

I'm typing now and I'm physically at home, but obviously my heart is somewhere else. Been staying at home to do my work or else I was in school. Well, short of getting lost in NUS again yesterday when I went in search of Yl to get my chem notes. Yup, other than that I've been slogging over 2 lab reports and tutorials, not forgetting that I keep dozing off during lectures this week. I keep feeling that I haven't gotten enough sleep, but I feel so awake at night! I should force myself to sleep by 10.30pm. The last time I really went out was Sunday. Should I be proud of myself? Still , I haven't been very productive and I'm getting quite kan cheong especially when I look at my notes and don't understand more than half of it. I AM SO DEAD!!!! I have no idea what the lecturers want this semester. Thanks to all the mumbling. They should really go for speech lessons, or get a better microphone. Argh.
Reprinted this particular lab report 3 times... Made changes till I lost count. I realised that I have no idea what I've been doing for my reports, or rather I can't remember. My brain feels like it's wrapped in cotton or should I say it feels like soup? I NEED A BREAK. Let me study and know what I'm studying.
Besides that I have fantasies about enjoying beancurd and you tiao at Yong He. Throw in durian too. *Drool* And I wanna go to this Cantonese cafe... WHen?!!!?

Normalcy

I'm finally doing what students are supposed to do. i.e. tutorials, lab reports and projects. Sometimes, life seems to be better off when it's all about work. At least, work is still under my control? To a larger extent I suppose.
I couldn't make it for SCCC and I'm wondering if I should have went because now I really cannot gauge if I can actually serve in secell. I doubt I could have spent much time there even if I went, 2-3 hrs? I really pray things will work out eventually...
Had a great time last week meeting up with my dear friends. Sheena, Teng and Yl. Nothing fanciful, just sat in KFC at Braddell reminiscing about old times and catching up with AWOL Yl. It doesn't really matter where we met, there'll always be this common bond that we shared, same experiences, those long gone loony moments. I miss them. Things can never go back though, we're all changed people, we were this way for a while and then gone. Even I am different. But, my fondness for them and those JC years still and will remain. Perhaps, one day I'll say the same about my uni life.
It's going to be all about work this week. I've had enough.

Life is strange.

I've been having alot of difficulty blogging about what I've been up to. Not that I've been up to anything... Been quite shaken by the thoughts I'm capable of thinking. Makes me want to be left alone.
Went to watch Munich. I liked it more than I thought, so did my friend. It was a dark, thought provoking movie featuring the never ending feud between the Arabs and Jews. Endless, senseless killing massacares. Well, it was pretty gory, a good reason why it was M18. Had to figure out the plot while watching, it wasn't a light show to watch, required some thinking. It starts with the killing of the terrorists and their hostage of 11 Israeli athletes. I give it 4 out of 5 stars. :)

Jam-packed

T'is the 1 week break and it hasn't been much of break. Hahaha. I can only think of 2 reasons why it doesn't seem like a break. 1. I'm so free during normal school days, therefore having a break seems to be no difference. 2. I've been so busy doing something at all times, to the extent that I feel that I haven't been resting. I suppose it's between 1 and 2. Been making full use of my time to do things that I normally don't get to do, like going to the KTV with Angie, hanging around aimlessly at Orchard, going back to NIE lib to sign up as a member and borrowed the much sought after Voet and Voet (finally!!!) going to get the uber thick textbook photocopied. SO much for copyright laws... ... I am only a poor student who can't afford the text.
Sent Cheryl off at the airport yesterday, it doesn't seem like 3 mths ago that we flew Phuket. Time sure flies. Ah well, 3 1/2 mths will pass faster than I can say, " Exams are coming!" I dread the exams... ARgh.... It'll be so stressful after the break. Sigh. At least, the 3 mth break will be after the exams :D
Been watching House MD. It's really excellent!! Love the graphics, the plot, the characters, the case studies!!!! Hahaha. Combine Sherlock Holmes and Medicine and you'll get House MD. Greg House's sarcasm really gets me. He isn't corny funny or lame funny. He is smart funny. And amazingly, he never gets a case wrong and he only accept cases that are out of this world. E.g: Tapeworm in the brain?! It's making life sciences seem like a whole lot of fun :p

Laaazzzy to Blog.

Alright I haven't been that busy, I've been waiting for things to happen so that I can blog. Hm.. Let's see. I finally finished the horrible no good lab report only to find that I'm expected to do even more horrible no good lab reports. On the bright side, I've got lab reports to do and a school to attend! Haha. I'm just glad that also have less horrible no good lab reports to do. I pray for wisdom to understand what I'm supposed to do.
Attended my church's anniversary dinner on Friday, took many pictures with the snackies and my tablemates.Dinner overall was a racuous affair with Tim and Jon finding a new friend. :p Went home with a very weary Gail and the guys OCX, James and Kevin. Dear James gave us a lift to Bishan where we could flag a cab home as the restaurant was quite ulu. Tessesohn Rd? That was the 1st time I've heard of it.







The following day,Cheryl, Miss-I'm-turning-21 cum bestfriend, gave us a treat at Akashi!! Seriously the best Jap food I've ever tasted. The unagi sushi was the best I've ever eaten, and I mean it tastes really good since unagi isn't one of my favourites. Thanks for the sumptious treat and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself :)
Went for KTV with angie and we were busy dedicating songs to people we know because it suited them to the T. Song of the day by 五月天：别惹我 Hahaha. I really like it!! And singing those songs back from the 80s early 90s was nostalgic, it sure brought back many memories. Especially listening to the grasshoppers. Cheesy.

G for Gullible and Gluttony

It's strange that the person didn't get back to me, if they really needed blood so urgently. I guess I overreacted. Heh. Apparently, the blood bank in Singapore makes sure that they have all varieties of blood available. But, I suppose for my case I oughta create a stash of blood at a private hospital for myself or others when the need arises. Not that I'm cursing myself, but what if?? Just look at the way I cross the road, Germ always says its a miracle that I'm still alive after looking at the way I cross roads.
Been eating alot of junk this week. I've gotta recommend FRIED MARS BARS at Far East. The British take-out shop just beside Shilin. Bite sized fried chocolate with ice cream, it's heaven I tell you. MUST try!! Geez, I'm craving for it now.

Fly my aeroplane.

Met up with the co-ordinater it's confirmed that the "exchange" will be postponed till next year January. Sigh. Yup, I am disappointed and annoyed. So much for telling me that I can go and now? Then she also said that even then it'll still be subjected to changes. Factors dependent on my grades, NTU's budget, viral outbreak over there, more hurricanes, etc... Things are unpredictable. I give up!!! If God really wants me to go, He will let me go. I'll stick with that. If it's yours, it's yours.
Busy weekend, went out with Cheryl, watched "Matchpoint". Went to church, visited Matz and Mary's place. Their parents were most kind and gracious hosts, bought lots of KFC chicken for us to munch on. Then went to exchange my too small T-shirt at Bugis, then Orchard again. Monday's mind-numbing, my sleep addled brain can only take so much and I kept dozing off during my lectures. Though I hope readings will help me to catch up.
There's this 4 year old girl who needs my blood. Tried calling the contact number left on the SMS but no reply... I'm quite freaked out by the needle and pumping my blood out during blood donation, but it's someone's life. So, yup. Do the right thing Dawn!!!!

I thought I wasn't going anywhere. Haha.

Went over to Quan Ee's place for lunch yesterday and Say Ee was also there with Elizabeth and Joy. Joy my youngest cousin is already 11!! Wow. I still remember her as a baby, it didn't seem that long ago. 11 years has passed?! Woah. My aunt cooked up a storm, there was shark's fin (don't look at me animal lovers!), abalone, emperor chicken and ma po dou fu. There were 7 people present and strangely we couldn't finish the food. Think we probably were filled drinking soup. Seems like she really enjoys cooking after coming back from Vancouver. Did you have anything to do with her enthusiasm for cooking Cher? Then my aunt generously opened her bottle of Bailey's and told me to help myself. Was quite tempted to drink more, but... it's not apt to end up drunk midday isn't it? Still had another place to visit.
Went over to Auntie Poon's place. Didn't stay for long as she had alot of visitors over and even if she didn't her 4 grandsons who are aged 1-4 respectively will keep her SUPER DUPER busy. They are so CUTE!!!! Especially Zhenting. He's the oldest and the most mischievious, I wonder if his younger brother will outsmart him next time. I lament that I've got no pictures. SIgh. My mum claims that she'll replace me with Zhenting when I go over for exchange. Not that I mind Haha :D
Then off to Jac's 21st birthday bash. Stayed at her place for a few hours, ate, watched TV and played some brainless games. My reflexes took a day off and I kept losing, thankfully they haven't brought out the alcohol yet. If not, I think I'll become even slower. Took a few pictures on Charlene's camera and I think her perm looks great. Jac's place is really cozy, like her glow- in-the dark stars. Left with Candice, since I didn't really know anybody else except for Charlene who also left shortly after us.
Since it was still early, I went for an unplanned supper with Caleb who drove :) 3 cheers for the driver and the car!! Haha. Went to River Ang Bao and pigged out. Cannot fathom his obsession for genuine smelly tofu. Find the smell quite tolerable these days, probably getting used to it. But, that doesn't mean I like it. And I will NEVER EVER buy bing tang hu lu again. Everytime I watch those period dramas that candied haw seems to be such a hot fav, but it tastes bad.. Well, at least to me.
Today.. Dropped by at Pa's friend's place. Finally met Jeanine, whom my Dad kept wanting me to meet. Because she does medicine in MelbUni and can give me sound advice regarding studying medicine overseas. However, I think I'll be shelving these plans aside until God (hopefully) opens those doors. She knows my JC classmate, who is coincidentally her present classmate now. The world is so small. She burned for House MD, which is like CSI for me. Yay!! New serial to watch. I guess I can get to know her better since she's staying till May this year before heading back to MelbUni.
School starts tomorrow and report rushing starts now (Yes, now!!!). Procrastination is my middle name. Dawn P Koh.

Less bustle, less noise, more rest?

Reunion dinner and the first day of new year and not much to prepare. Not much fan fare this year, didn't buy new clothes for the new year, since I do have enough clothes and not doing much visitation either. Looking on the bright side, I've got 4 days to rest and catch up with my work, instead of running everywhere to visit relatives whom I hardly know. It's fun when my cousins are there, we have no problem entertaining ourselves or if I know someone from the family that I'm visiting. Or else, it's just stoning in front of the TV and answering questions such as... " Where are you studying now?" Though people don't ask me if I'm studying anymore, they seem to assume that I'm working. Hm... Hope that doesn't mean I look old...

This year is quiter because... CHERIE. You are not here.. Hmph. It's different without you and your family. Byron wanted to gamble and nobody was banker this year. Normally Ah Ee will be the banker and the table will be one rowdy mess because Nick or Bryon will insist they didn't lose or won. Haha. Miss you all. Chinese New Year and family gatherings won't ever be the same again. If you are reading this Cher, glad you woke up so early to meet us on the web cam!!! Haha. Your eyes look so small as usual :p Leng has the pics of our reunion dinner. Be back next year for new year?? :p

Watched "The Promise" with Jun, since my mother bought the VCD. Very lame movie... Apparently everything happened all because the girl stole the bao from the boy. Then the boy so kua zhang, he felt he cannot trust anybody for his entire life anymore all because the girl stole his bao.. Doinks. Then Jun forgot to bring her stuff home.. Woke me up from my nap today to get her stuff. So annoying. :p

Went for service today, this year's theme is Be a disciple and make disciples. Underlying fact that we have to be disciples before we can make disciples, being a disciple = discipline?? :p I'm linking everything together. Ahh.. Then Pastor Mark preached about the 3 priorities that must not overtake God. People, Possesions and Purpose. I guess I got abit restless at the end.. Was talking more than listening... Oops..

Some pics *oink*

Unpredictable part 2.

God showed me something again today. Yesterday I was lamenting about the unpredictability of life and today, "Wham!" I get an answer smacked in my face just when I don't expect it at all.
I was upset over an email that simply stated that the exchange to US is under review and to wait for another semester and even then nothing's confirmed. I truly felt sick of waiting and hanging around for confirmation. Why? Few months back, I applied. Some got accepted and others rejected. Me? I waited and waited but no answer came, at that point in time, I thought they had thrown my application away and didn't even bother to tell me about the outcome. So I gave up hope. Suddenly, they called. I GOT IT!!
Then now this. I feel like they're playing with my feelings.
This morning, the office called again and now the co-ordinator wants to see me. I wonder. For what? I have no idea what she's going to tell me. Though I replied that brief email asking about what's going on, I doubt she wants to meet me because of my reply. She could have just emailed back. So, frankly I have no clue.
The main thing that happened was not about the exchange programme.
It is about my attitude. I dislike it. Why can't I be more patient and wait upon the Lord?? And why am I always so uncontented?
Unlike Uncle Joey Kong who's a friend of 老爸. He has a rare kind of cancer and is the longest survivor of it. He was diagnosed with it 10 years ago at an advanced stage and the doctor told him was going to die in a few weeks. By God's grace he is still alive now and on trial for a new drug. I know it sounds really simple, but do you have any idea how many people he had brought to salvation because of his illness? Instead of staying at home away from the crowd like what the doctor told him to (a simple flu can kill him now), he continues to volunteer/counsel at the cancer centre and work. He even has a family to take care of. Auntie Yvonne, his wife, is a wonderful person. The drug he's taking now is giving him kidney failure and the loss of sense of taste. He thanks God for using him to bring so many people to Christ, but he suffered so much for it and he thinks it's worth the price.
His testimony makes me think. Here I am lamenting over losses and broken promises and feeling sorry for myself and there he is serving God and really living life to the fullest. Honestly, what really matters?

Unpredictable.

Like what Prof Lun says, " There's no such thing as 100%, there will always be a chance that..."I can't seem to appreciate the unpredictability of life. A girl whom I knew came down with a relapse of cancer again. She was someone with everything that I wanted, but now she's lying in the hospital bed instead. Unable to eat at all. I pray that God will perform a miracle, this kind of unpredictability I can accept.
Things keep going wrong all the time, I really need a break whereby things just flow smoothly, predictably for awhile. Everytime when things seem rosy and fine, something has to change to spoil the picture. I hate it when circumstances swallow me up, I feel so defeated. Even when there's something that I can do about the situation, I'll learn not to act on it until I have seeked His will. Heh. I know God will never stop sending trials my way because He knows that I need alot of sharpening to be effective. But, I feel so tired!!! Help. I'm only 20 and I already wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Cell leading = Heavy Responsibilty

I signed it. I signed it. I just signed it a couple hours back!! This is another significant event in my Christian life. Of course the 1st was baptism, immersed in the pool in the middle of the sanctuary, then return back to the stage decked in all white then walking down the aisle (sounds like dum da da dum) in twos with a guy I hardly knew. Right, I was baptised without company, so no friends to walk with.
This is different. Somehow, God is so real in my life than He has ever been before. Yes, I still fall and hurt myself, but I know He will be there to kiss the wound and make it all better. I really depend on Him, there's no other way to get enough wisdom to be able to take care of other people. There will always be kinks in life and life without kinks is plain meaningless. I should I say tasteless? I still wonder if life will be meaningless if we don't fall down and suffer.
My main concern now is... Getting my spiritual food, so that I can feed others. And.. Why do I feel so needy??

Revelations, some of which I really don't like.

I've been like a demagnetised magnet. I used to think that I have pretty good polarity, but after 1 year plus in university I feel like I actually am pretty directionless. Yes yes, I do have goals... But, it's not about goals. I feel that I don't really know myself very well. For example, what I enjoy doing or who I really am. I'm pretty confused. Plus, I'm pretty good at lying and justifying things to fit my fancy. Blergh. It's time to get repolarized according to His word and oh man, it hasn't been easy. Been reading this book by Joshua Harris, it's been a pretty difficult book for me to read as it shone right smack on the dark crevices in my cracked life and it really hurts my eyes to read the book. But, hey it's been helpful, I pray I can live up to it. The message was, "Intimacy is the reward for being committed". It's selfish if I want to enjoy being close to someone and yet don't want to or rather cannot commit. After everything I did, I can only conclude that I am ignorant and foolish. But, I honestly had no idea that things will become like that. Let this be a lesson learnt that will not be repeated again, no matter what my flesh says.
Other than doing alot of soul searching, I've watched In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown.
Personally, I think In Her Shoes is lots better, it's not a chick flick as I thought it was, it talks alot about forgiveness and family. Life's been different and it will get even more different as my perspectives change. Perhaps my "depolarisation" is a result of changing attitudes. Hope I get the right ones.
School's been good :) Strange that I actually feel this way despite all the crazy questions that's been thrown at us. Feel that I haven't been really living life to the fullest.

A really looooong day...

Woke up at 7.30am today and my first contemplation of the day was, "Should I skip lect today?" I was super tired, all the accumulated lack of sleep is taking its toll on me already and it seems to be psychological. I mean I didn't sleep much during the hols. I guess it's the waking up early thing. Went for lecture and then rushed to class.. Was a few minutes late and as a result was quite flustered, which was baaad. Felt like a disorganized mess. Had a angry parent confronting me...But things were fine in the end. After class, rushed to church and finally reached home at 10.30pm. Could have went home later, but half of me wanted to go home. Haven't been doing much work either. Sigh. Oughta spend tomorrow catching up with my books.
Will be officially commissioned as cell leader next week, increasing the stress level further. Well, I'm quite happy with all the 'busyness' actually. But, all of it is pretty self-centred. Algene calls me 'ice queen', but will say something if I have something good to say. NOOOO!!! I don't want to be 'ice queen'... Sigh. Reminds me of the white witch from the chronicles of narnia... Ok, out of point, she's the villian in the story and I'm not supposed to be villianous. I wonder what's wrong with me. Too self-conscious? In other words... *ahem* self-centred?

Shopaholic

This is my room. I'm starting to think that it resembles a hostel room, perhaps I brought my way of life from hall back with me. But, my room is definitely more cluttered than my hostel room and slightly bigger too. :p But, somehow I still like my room. The clutter and the wooden furniture makes things cozy. Alright. It's messy, but it's an organized mess. Haha.

This strawberry look-a-like was THE reason why I went all the way to NUS. Only 50 copies sold in NTU for a cohort of 150 people!! What's wrong with the school bookshop? Don't even want to do business. Well, I have many readings from the book, which is why I have a good reason to get so 'kan cheong'. All 50 copies were sold out on the day of the 1st lecture, which explains how enthusiastic my fellow coursemates are about Immunology... Too enthu if you ask me...
Went shopping in school! Wahaha. Seiyu had a sale over in the auditorium, we bought a couple of things and it was sooooo cheap. A calender that normally costs about 20 plus only cost about 6-7 buckaroos there. So satisfied! Hahaha.

Some Phuket Photos. Finally!

A small glimpse of what we were up to in Phuket. :p

I just want to leave everything behind.

My spirits haven't lifted up much. That's as much as I can say. In the year of 2006, there will be so many more new responsibilties and challenges to face. I've never felt this tired before, not even when I was in JC and knew that I almost got retained. Things get harder every year don't they? Currently, my S1 science class has 9 students. But, they are alright. Hope they actually learnt something from my classes!!! Put in effort to make notes for them. Somehow, they do cheer me up a little by making me forget about myself. In class, I become Miss Koh or rather Dawn, the blur science teacher. Haha. As for my P4s... Well. There's really alot more that I need to do for them. I'm quite clueless. How does one go about teaching English??!! Argh.
I used to attend Morris Allen speech and drama lessons and find that it really helped me in mastering English. But, I would say that their methods are rather unconventional, involving mostly play and reading. There was not other way I could learn things in primary school. Seriously. I was one of those kids who can't study. Alright I wasn't stupid, perhaps just slow.
I miss Faye, my DG leader from school. She just flew over to Atlanta a few days back and will only be back before I go to the same place that she went to. It's pity that we miss each other this way. She's going to the same place, but at a different time. Just 1 sem before me!!! :( Bleah. Maybe God wants me to continue what she's going to accomplish there. I'm sure God didn't allow me to go there to twiddle my thumbs.
Perhaps I want to leave because, the past is not doing me any good. I haven't been myself and I'm in so deep that I don't even realise it. People tell me that I've been staring into space looking distracted. Being unaffected and leaving everything behind is impossible, unless by the grace of God I get partial amnesia. Been escaping of late. When I can't solve the problem, I try to escape from it. I tried so hard, but it doesn't leave me alone. There's no where to run and hide. I wish I were unaffected too. How long will it take to heal these wounds? When will they even start healing? They are not healing. Time doesn't make a difference when I'm not allowed to heal. What will it take to heal me then? If only I could get the message across.

nerd. Not!