http://ntu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=89&l=06ed1&id=227800168

The link above leads to the photos taken during the field trip.

I'm so sleepy and completely full. Hahaha. I'm a big fat pig. Gained back all the weight I lost, I guess Bangkok and snacking in school really helped.
The field trip was a pretty mild trek up Bukit Timah hill, look at the pics to know what we were up to. Pictures can speak a thousand words. Saw things from the plant biologist's viewpoint and suddenly the nature reserve doesn't seem so boring anymore, if only my prof could speak louder. He's really soft spoken. Though he talked quite alot, I could only catch snatches of what he was saying. Kinda wasted.
Candice, Jac and I rewarded ourselves by going for a heavy lunch after the trek at Waffletown. Luuurve the waffles man, fresh waffles and whipped cream, so sinful. Guess I was half-asleep throughout the whole thing. Still got tutes to complete for tomorrow... *yawn*
Oh yea, I guess the fact that it's raining now after lunch isn't helping very much. Haha.

Feelings ain't enough, but God is.

Won't deny that I've been hurt, angry, sad and bitter. I'm just not very nice to be with when I feel this way. It's like as if I'm PMSing permanently. I've been asked for how long can I stay this way? I don't know how long, but what else is there for me to do? It's a lousy feeling.
Which brings to the point, why am I not applying anything that I've learnt from the Bible now???? Is there anyway I can see things from a whole new perspective? Well, only if I stop being angry and choose to see things from God's viewpoint. I can choose to believe that I am not ______ enough, I can choose to blame myself... (Which is all I have been doing.)I want to stop being bitter, but I don't know how to. Which in the meantime, I hope I won't do anything that I'll regret doing or saying later. Praying is all I can do now.

Depressing matters aside, school's been crazy.. Insufficient sleep for me. Not productive. Just doing tutes alone is all I can manage to do, which means I haven't been doing my readings. Bought the textbooks for decorative purposes.
Sorry dear readers, I still sound depressing right? Haha. I promise to be less depressing. Read on!

Going to Bukit Timah Hill for my lab.. Hmm.. This sounds fun though. Pick leaves up? Dear God, please let it not rain, k? Heh, university students going on a field trip to Bukit Timah. Haha. Looking forward to lunch after lab though, good food galore round the area. I'm glad that I have equally yau qwee friends Hahaha.

Tired.

You know when you are really tired when you don't want to do anything anymore. You feel disconnected from everyone and you try so hard to stay connected. You are there, yet you are not. Slowly, people realise that you are not there at all and all they have is an empty shell that pretends to be you.
I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I'd really love to be enthusiastic and chirpy, but at the moment I'm weighed down. I'd really love to share your burden, but I can't focus very well.
It seems like a crime to infect people with sadness. Which is why I feel really bad that I carry my burden everywhere, the atmosphere becomes gloomy with whoever I'm with. I really try to lighten up, but I'm too upset to stay bubbly for long. If I haven't been too gloomy around you that's good, but my fuel is running low.
I need joy. I need laughter. I need love. I need rest. I need peace. I need a way out. I need acceptance. I need to stop blaming myself. I need God.

Another day has come and gone away.

Went to extract the 2nd tooth today, mouth is literally in a bloody mess again. Wondering why the bleeding hasn't stopped? Didn't catch a nap the last time and it stopped even faster. Thought napping and keeping still will help it to clot faster. Woke up with a patch of blood on my pillow. Eeeew. Thinking back, I was much more drama about the 1st tooth, for well, being the 1st tooth I guess. Didn't talk much about being scared this time either, perhaps I had too much on my mind to worry about it. Also partly, there isn't really anyone to whine to anymore who will bother give me the extra attention. :p I'm whiny. Haha. Things are so different now. Don't know why things turned out this way and I wish they didn't. Still coming to terms things that have happened lately, inexplicably a little moody, etc.. It's rather interesting to know that I still feel the same way towards him, not very unexpected though. Seems so complicatedly simple. I've already taken my own stand, will keep to it and not compromise for something less. It was a mistake to accept, knowing that things weren't exactly that simple, being all too eager to take a shortcut and ended up unhappy, making things worse. It's rather tempting to take something hard and bonk it over my head. Ok, shall stop playing the blame game. Not talking about something more, but fundamental communication, there are some issues that need to be worked out not just discussed. At the moment, doubt anyone is really up to it. Things happen, leave them and communication breaks down, feel like I'm worlds apart, because of whatever that has happened.

Other than that.. I've got 3 tutes due tomorrow and have yet to do even 1!!! How dead am I?? Hmm.. You can't blame me actually, I only had the lectures yesterday and I spent the whole of yesterday evening trying to match my subjects for the next semester in Georgia. Which I miserably failed at doing. Ended up writing emails to the profs over there. Hope they'll reply. If not I'm seriously in a fix. There is a serious lack of time. The girl's gotta rest also.

Yesterday was nothing short of a series of unfortunate events, my shirt tore and my birks snapped consecutively... Thank God nothing went wrong with my skirt. Though it almost got stained...

Mummy and I

You probably think I'm mad for blogging this. But, out of some kind of odd inspiration, I just wanna say I really love my Mum. Though she's not the most understanding person on Earth and always tells me to do something about my face, I know she really cares about me. She's always there when I need her.(well provided she can answer) She lets me fall down on my own and yet is there to pick me up when I need it. Cheers Mummy, though I highly doubt you even know about the existence of my blog. Haha.

Mummy and me
(probably look like that in 30 plus years...)

Metanoia

Metanoia
The following excerpts from Father Paul's Homilies explores the many subtleties of this Greek word. Metanoia, a Greek word meaning a change of mind. A radical revision and transformation of our whole mental process. That change of mind is something whereby God takes center place in our consciousness, in our awareness, and in our minds. Metanoia means a new mind. About what? About who we are. ...If tonight you're hearing with your heart, it's time for metanoia. It's time for a new mind about yourself and about life. Metanoia is the idea of the need for conversion. And this is then recognizing that we don't know, truthfully don't know, God and truthfully don't feel ourselves as God intends us to. We really need metanoia, which is allowing the grace of God to enter into our lives and teach us how to see ourselves and how to come to the true self. When the authors wrote in Greek about what Jesus really said, they all agree that he preached metanoia. ...one idea is conversion or transformation. Change of heart and, literally, change of mind. "The kingdom of God is at hand," he says, meaning it's at arm's length. But in order for you to grasp it, you have to be able to undergo something like this: a conversion and transformation and change of heart and mind Metanoia is a new-minded way of looking at life. And, in the broader sense, contrition involves a change of mind. And that is really what is meant by the Greek word, "metanoia," whereby we start thinking anew about everything. So to bring our thoughts into a godly, godlike form, that's part of contrition; that's part of metanoia. So I need to really find out what God really is and who God is and what God wants for me. He preached the need for conversion. Now conversion in Greek is "metanioa." And what is "metanoia"? Unfortunately, in English there's not one word that translates it very well. We could say repentance, but that doesn't catch the meaning of "metanoia." "Metanoia" literally means "beyond the mind." So it's an idea of stretching or pushing beyond the boundaries with which we normally think and feel. Now when we push beyond the boundaries what we are doing is we are allowing God really to take an active role in our formation. Repentance, metanoia in Greek, really refers to a complete change in perspective, a change in goal, a change in life itself, really! It means new mindedness, new change of mind and change of heart in the Hebrew sense of heart---how you think. And that means letting go of rigidities because God has to teach us all new about God. And what we have to learn basically is how trustworthy God is, and how in every single situation, no matter what it is, no matter how painful, God is to be trusted. God is always present. So God is always inviting us into more life, and so to be questioning our own ways and our own habits is a good thing--and letting go of rigidity. Thus his entire mission was begun by announcing the need for metanoia, sometimes translated "repentance." But repentance does not mean simply regretting some action or some word. Repentance means completely turning around one's life and one's being. A change, a profound change, of mind and even character. In the Bible, in the New Testament, this change is called "metanoia," often translated repentance. But it's not a backward-looking glance of regret; it's a forward-looking vision of hope. Metanoia is a new openness to what is truly objective, beyond ourselves, our view of life, how we put the data together.
From:
http://www.stjosephdg.org/parish/about/metanoia.html

I need more metanoia!!!

Sawadeeka! Back frm Bangkok

And I am tired. It was fun though :) Overall, it was a good shopping trip, food fest and eye-opener though. Hope to get some pics from Diya and Frances to post up soon. I have too few pics on my own camera, all thanks to my laziness. Heh. Shall elaborate more on the trip when I get the pics ya.
Anyway, I haven't really gotten any rest eversince I got back. Everyday I sleep an average of 4 hrs.... Not to mention that I feel emotionally drained too. That's it. I'm tired. I can't go on anymore, it's time I stopped and take a few steps back. Go get some air.
How do I feel? All I want is to be loved, have someone waiting eagerly for me, instead of the other way round. To be wanted. Not just to want. Perhaps that's why I feel so drained and glum, I need some input of TLC. I feel like as if I am giving all the time. Drained...

An ode to my tooth and about little things

I lost my tooth today, without much fanfare or adieu it was conveniently chucked in the dentist's rubbish bin. I have big gap in my mouth now, feels funny. It was faithful companion, never complained about all the chewing that I made it do. And all that gourmet food! Sigh, I miss that tooth and soon it's mirror image will accompany it in a few days time...
Haha.. Ok. That was an ode to my tooth and the other.
The little things in life count alot and I guess it's a matter of appreciating them. An sms, an uncomplicated gesture, a thoughtful gift. Let me say I Do appreciate everything. Maybe I've been blind sometimes. What can I do for you?

Is it 1 or 2 more weeks to sch??

Heheh. It's actually 1 week to the reopening of school.. But.. I'm going to Bangkok during the National Day week! Never done this before :p Ah well, heck it'll only mean missing 1 or 2 1st lectures anyway. Nothing very important lost out on. Can't wait to eat @ Swensen's in Bangkok, super duper cheap sundaes!!!! Enjoy browsing at Chatuchak flea market too, it's gotta be one of the largest flea markets in the world. I think I should consider learning Thai, since I keep going to Thailand for somekind of strange reason. I just went Phuket last year and the year before it was Bangkok also. In Bangkok, the locals thought I was local too. Hmmm.... I don't mind being mistakened for being one of them, if I could have skin as smooth as theirs. Heheh.
Gives me the heebie jeebies that I'll be in Yr 3 once the Sem starts... So old. The seniors were right to say that Yr 3 is THE most packed one in BS. I thank God that I'll only be around for 1 sem in Yr3, I'll be heading for Atlanta!!!! It's been confirmed for now :D In case you wondering why I don't sound thhhaaat excited, it's because I have this belief that NTU might screw things up for me. So, I'll remain neutral until they start feeding me the details, which I believe won't happen until later part of the year which is in Nov.
I'm breaking the glass wall the separates me from the rest of the world. I'm not gonna stand there like an idiot anymore. Dare to dream, dare to act.

Passing thoughts.

Lyrics by Joss Stone:
I hope you'll understand
That I can't always come when you call
Understand everybody has their faults
Please understand not to worry who I'm with or what I do
Cause I understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand that I'm in love with you

Time, decisions.. Anything to do with that ticking bio clock??

Sometimes I wish I were younger. Eversince I was 19, I felt that each passing year meant a drastic change to the people around me and things..
What do I mean???
Last year, I was on my way to da pao lunch home and I thought I mistook this pregnant woman for my pri sch classmate. You know how pregnant women get abit swollen?? So, I couldn't really be sure if she was her. A few days ago, I was again on my way to da pao lunch, when this time, I am really sure the girl-woman pushing the baby pram was my pri sch classmate! Unfortunately, she didn't seem to recognize me or didn't want to stop to talk.. She was someone that I invited to my birthday parties once upon a time....
Another thing is... I just read from my friend's blog that my sec sch classmate is now married.

I am shocked.

I am only 21, they are only 21................. Is it me? Or is everyone in a hurry these days??

Sometimes, I feel like I am put behind a glass wall... Someone tells me something and I don't know why I don't really react. I heard it, I want to do something, but in the end I don't and the impression it leaves is I don't care. Or I respond and feel that I've not done enough. Lack of expression??? Too lazy??? Somethings have to change, to show that I do care about what's going on around here.

It's taking forever....

Currently I'm downloading the Windows Service Pack 2 cause 1 expires in Oct.... And it's taking forever, short of eternity.
Anyway, just came back from the dentist. This time it's really painful taking out the wires and putting in new ones. Feels as though I've had all my teeth extracted when she was unclipping my brackets and clipping it to secure the new wire. At least the annoying sharp bracket is gone, no more cutting my lips. No kidding, it really felt like my teeth were extracted. I was pratically clutching onto the dental assistant's hands, but I guess it was still bearable because I could still remind myself not to clutch too tightly.... My death grip was on the poor cushion though. Owie. Think tooth extraction will hurt lesser because of the anaesthetic. Speaking of which, 2 teeth will be removed during my next visit, to further push in the protruding front teeth. Owie, owie, owie......
Just received photos from my colleague, who took the photos :) Some photos to remember that I've worked at breadtalk and the nice people I've known.

ZhenZhi's Bday & My last day

And this is what we do after lunch: Head to the playground! (Just kidding)

Swing!

My Zen: Vision M has finally arrived on Wednesday and its arrival has heralded the start of my unhealthy sleeping hours. On the 1st day, didn't sleep until 3am and had to go to work the next day and of course I was late. The 2nd day was the same story. I really wanted to download all my music and videos in player!! And well.. To my utter disappointment.. I couldnt' convert DVDs to Mpeg format for storage in the player :( couldn't watch my new DVDs on the go.
Still trying to figure out.
My faithful shuffle has been taken by my dad whom I doubt knows how to use it at all. It was a fantastic jogging companion when I jogged alone, pity my new Zen player is too bulky to take on jogging trips. Jogging is gonna be a silent activity from now on. Like when was the last time I went jogging anyway?? Dance has taken over my form of exercise.
I'm addicted to swing.
The turns, the quicksteps, the fluid motion of the dancers (can't say so for myself, hardly fluid!)
Partner dancing is fun, fun, fun! It's challenging and whenever I can do the dance step or dance without mishap to my partner's feet, I get this sense of achievement. ButI have this really bad habit, I'm too busy looking at my feet to notice my frame or my partner. OOps... But, so far all my classmates have been quite encouraging even when I mess up. The guys definitely have it worse, coz all girls have to worry about during dancing is looking good. Thing is, I feel free when I'm dancing. Free to move, free from my thoughts, everything's gone. All's that left is the music and whoever I'm dancing with. I used to have the notion that partner dancing is something really personal or weird to do with a total stranger. But, I guess it doesn't really matter. It's kinda like a handshake, you don't have to know a person to shake somebody's hand. It' s not something that's only meant for couples.
Hope I get to stay for swing fest this week. Swing fest is an after class dance thing where people from all levels come to dance the night away. Minus the alcohol and disco lights, they play pleasant music and people dance really stylishly. Danced with an experienced dancer once, I was so lost.... .... Kinda embarassing too, coz I really didn't know what step he was trying to guide me into. I don't follow leads very well. Talk about communication problems.
My braces are getting to be less of bother as each day passes, that's a really good thing. If it's still as uncomfortable, I really don't know what I'll do. There's still this sharp bracket that keeps cutting my lip. Darn annoying. Can't believe that 6 weeks has went by, it's time to visit the dentist again on Wed and I'll definitely tell her to do something about that troublesome bracket.
Oh yea, and I've stopped working at BT. Last Fri was my last day at work. Took some photos with my colleagues and my boss still wants me to come back if I decide that slacking is too boring. I'm surprised. Haha. Hardly have I ever got employers who invite me back. It rarely happens. Met some nice people there, although the culture at BT is..... errrrggh. It's not a place whereby you can smell the aroma of freshly baked bread or get endless supply of bread. I've been deceived by the name Breadtalk. The turnover rate of staff there is so high that, I've worked longer than some of the permanent staff.
And tis the lighter side of life.

One more week.

I'm happy to say that I got no plans next week, I finally have no outstanding dates. Haha. Like I owe people dates. Like real. Something about planning makes things suffocating sometimes, "Oh I got to do this then this then that." Looking forward to bumming around at home doing nothing after I stop working next Friday. My boss seems a tad sad that I'm leaving so soon, she always gives me the impression that she doesn't want me to leave coz she keeps saying that I'm leaving too soon. I guess this is the 2nd longest job I've held on to. The longest was about 3 months, mammogram tagging remember? That really killed my brain cells, literally just peel and paste all day long.
Working at BreadTalk has really been an exprience, especially since I'm doing the job of an accountant! It has been really stressful having to learn from the scratch about debit and credit. In fact, my last week at BT isn't gonna be pleasant at all.... Coz it's closing time. Argggggh. More stress, more spread sheets, no snacks annnnd still no free bread. Haha. I'll never look at BT bakeries and Food republic, restaurants at Wisma the same way anymore. Everytime I buy something from these places, I'll remember poor sots like me who had to look through every invoice and receipt that passed through these stalls. AND the bread is..... nvm. Actually, it isn't that bad that they don't give out free bread. Let's just say BT is really good at cutting cost. Asking an admin girl to be in charge of projects is so thrifty, since well, one person can do everything. Haha. Aren't we all multi-talented?
In the end my brain cells are still killed, well in a more productive way I suppose. They die anyway, regardless of what I do. I think and therefore they die. Morbid.
I love my dance classes, though they are difficult. I can do pretty cool moves now, but I need a partner. Hai. Bummer. Alright, there are also some moves that I can practice on my own. I wish I were the guy. Darn. Guys get to lead. How unfortunate :( The guys don't really like to lead all the time either, coz it's really stressful. My poor classmate was sweating it, he practically turned me dunno how many rounds before he changed to another move. By then I was literally and mentally spinning. Haha. Not really his fault, basic steps all involve turning and more turning. Only doing the jockey doesn't require turning and that's all we know. Wanna learn more steps, so that we all can stop spinning. :s

When it comes to downloading I'm hopeless.

After a jam packed week of going out, dance and work, I came home yesterday to really surf the internet for a good 2- 3 hrs but guess what?? I just had to go and try downloading movies off the Internet and when I switched off my firewall, some virus, warped programme, the kind that autodownloads killed my computer. It practically hung everytime I opened it. So I spent the gd 2 to 3 hrs in the wee hrs of this morning trying to reformat my lappie. I did it, but all my stuff, music, photos, work I've done for the past 2 yrs in Uni are all GONE!!!!!!!! ALL GONE!!!!! ARGH!!!!! :'( I wanna cry already.... All my precious photos... My music.....
I guess serves me right.... But it's so unfair!!!! Other people have no problems downloading stuff, but me? I always have lotsa problems. I think it's time to do something about my firewall. It's useless. It's so inflexible. And ermm.. Stop downloading stuff?? Ha. C'est impossible. I don't know God what are You TELLING me???? Stop "stealing" people's stuff? :'( I don't know, I'vew never really considered it stealing because I only listen to it myself, I don't sell it to other people and mke any profit out of it ya noe? Or maybe I have really messed up morals when it comes to copyright. Hai.

Before I know it, it's over.

I haven't the slightest clue why I have no time at all. I haven't packed my room at all, so last semester's notes and textbooks are still happily sitting on the shelf, that I have to clear to make room for new notes and textbook. I guess I've been too preoccupied working. Yup, I spend about 8hrs working, 2 hrs travelling and the rest of the time either going out, eating or sleeping. Last week, I had a bad case of flu, therefore I happily stayed at home and slept like a pig. Thank God for that. I must master my use of time. Hope that I'll be able to stop working soon, I need some time to slack before school starts.
Looking at my results, I am neither here nor there. Meaning I am neither very bad nor very good at my subjects. I guess I'm just a average joe-y. I wonder if I'm still in the running for 2nd uppers. Hmmmm... Guess I'd better buck up more eh? If I still wanna do my PhD. God help me. Eversince the A levels, I've stopped giving my all in exams. Lost all the steam to push myself to complete assignments and study. I still do my work, it's just that my heart isn't there anymore. I'm tired. Aiya, I'm just too slack now. Haha.
Went back to church to help out in packing stuff with the younger ones. Being with them makes me feel old. Haha. Feel so lethargic, they all are on the go! and I'm like I all wanna do is sit down. I guess 2 yrs ago I was still like them. Now.... I really cannot liao. Aging prematurely. Darn. I shouldn't be so lethargic. Saw some of old photos and documents. Stuff that recorded who did chairshare and why they did them, attendance, blah, blah... It wasn't so much of nostalgia for me because I wasn't in the photos or documents, it was more of discovery, looking at how things were like and how they changed. Familiar faces of friends when they were younger, very cute leh! Hahaha.
God give me more energy to catch up with the younger ones and a renewed passion for my studies......

Taking a break and not doing anything

I am really sick. Woke up this morning feeling really exhausted even though I got enough sleep, couldn't bear to drag myself off to work. Well, anyway I am down with the usual flu which has been plaguing me since I don't know when. Even my Doc says that I've been down with flu too often and too frequently. Don't know what's up with my immune system, just a few days away at camp without vitamin C pills and I'm sick. How sad. My health is dependent on vitamin c pills.
Perhaps, with insufficient rest, staying out often makes me prone to falling ill. Even when I'm not at work I can't really be found at home. I'm always out these days for all sorts of reasons.
Friends, mum, church, work, etc...
Went out with the cell and ate some really sinful warm brownie and vanilla ice cream yesterday, maybe that's why i'm in this state now haha. Not that I regret, the brownie was worth it :) I'll probably just recover in a few days anyway.
Chewing with braces is literally such a pain. Have to chew really slowly... Because it really hurts to chew. Ouch, the price for beauty as Jason Ong puts it. Well, I guess the braces help me to eat less junk food. Have a craving for dessert from the dessert shop in Bugis.... Maybe I'll drop by this Friday. Heh heh. But, no chewing on gingko nuts :(

All the catchy titles flew out of my head

Back! Back from Port Dickson after a 4 day Church camp. This year's camp was not relaxing like the past years camps. Becoz it was combined with the other churches and the other churches were holding their youth camps, therefore everything was planned back-to-back. Everyday I fell into bed exahusted. Food was almost unedible, both water and electricity went off during the camp. But, in all in all I'm happy that I heard from God Himself, got to know more people better. Was rooming with Jun, Eliz and Joey. It was kinda weird, but the main point that they split us up into cell groups comprising of people from different churches. Joined the 11-14 yr olds, thank God for Zhi Han's company. Think I would have felt really alone if she wasn't there. I'm not going to say what God told me becoz it is too personal, but whatever He told me gave me comfort and direction.
I thought I lost weight.. But I didn't really lose much.. half a kg? Sigh. Oh well. This means that my healthy weight is around there.(And i'm not telling what my weight is!! Haha) Anything less or more means bad news. My lymph nodes hurt. Still kinda tired even though I didn't go to work today. Need my beauty sleep. Zzzzzz

I can't feel my teeth.

I've finally put on braces this Wednesday. Besides the abrasions on my lips and flesh, I can't really feel my teeth and I can't bite. Can't even really bite tofu. Haha.

Definitely didn't regret pigging out the week before, it's only been 2 days of eating soupy rice and I'm feeling really bored already. Besides, I still can eat ice cream :) BUT reaaaaaally slowly. Takes about 45 min to finish my soupy rice, porridge, etc...
Went for dance yesterday and it was fun!!! Doing a partner dance is very very very very difficult.... Well. At least for lindy hop, it's the guy who does all the leading. Girls don't really need to remember the steps, as long as the guy knows what and where he's going. Still, there's a need to coordinate with the guy. Looking at the pros dance makes me wish I knew how to dance more variations. They are so cool!!! OkOk.. Patience is a virtue. Haha. So far I only know how to turn with a partner and it's already very challenging.. Haha. I wanna cut the rug :p

I swear I'm heavier.

Pigging out at Breko

And that's not all. Actually we also ordered one bowl of soup, one apricot float and banana stacko which I ate before taking any photos as evidence of my gluttony.
Ate at Pizza Hut yesterday and today it is Brewerkz. Throw in a glass of beer, fish and chips, mutton, apple galette and chicken wings. Hmmm.. Eating like there's no tomorrow. I dare say I've spent close to a hundred bucks on food, just my own share alone.
Why?
Coz it's gonna be porridge from tomorrow onwards until maybe 1 plus week later? And kinda think braces will spoil my enjoyment for food. Or maybe it might actually make me want to eat more. Haha. I guess I'm overdoing it :p
Good thing is Thursday is gonna be the start of my dance lessons, though there's a slight problem. My leg hurts a little. Hopefully I'll be fine by then.