Arghgh... Sick of studying.

Went back to school to get my jabs and checkup done. Was jabbed 3 times... ouch. Paid $118 to get jabbed.. double ouch. Thank God no jabs on the butt. Haha. Hopefully, I won't need the chickenpox and hep B vaccines. The tetanus jab is a real powerful jab man, my muscle feels real sore now. Can only lift my right arm during worship tomorrow liao. I think the nurse was an expert in drawing blood and injections too, barely felt any pain, until after the jab.
Hate. injections.
Come to think of it I've had worse. Once I was hospitalized and was jabbed on the butt everyday while I was there and it wasn't a short hospital stay.
The past 2 weeks has been pure agonzing mugging, not much choice as there were some lectures I have not even read through before. This semester is even more packed than the last one, normally I would have at least read all them once before the exams. Sinking feeling in my gut... ... 2 more papers to go and both are evening papers. I always feel sleepy during evening papers, especially in the afternoon when I'm supposed to be revising before the paper. God help us all... Hopefully I won't do too badly, scared that I may get kicked out of the exchange programme if I do badly. Then all that money spent and pain I endured will go down the drain... Urgh. Please don't let it happen.
I have forgotten what Orchard Rd looks like. Haven't been there in ages... Feels like ages to me, though it's probably only about 1 month plus. Have no idea what vivocity looks like either, though I would really like to catch a movie there. By the time I'm done, I think the Dolous (this missionary ship that's 90 plus, 100? years old) would have sailed away, or already sailed away. Even my parents have been to vivocity. I am becoming a Mountain Tortoise. Sigh.

Where have I been???

Haven't been updating for quite awhile, been dealing unsuccessfully with these things below...
Yup... The exams are round the corner... This time I am TOTALLY unprepared, thanks to Heesie and his jolly lab reports. No time to study!!! Gah. Seriously need the grace of God to study the right things as there are just too many irrelevant stuff in my notes. Haven't read all of them.*sweat* Normally by this time, I would have at least read them once. Please please please pray for me... ...Yup. Things have been happening at home also. Sigh.
Anyway, I had a weird dream. I dreamt I was boarding a flight. I entered the departure gate without checking in to get my air ticket and as a result I couldn't board the flight. The strangest thing was, I overloaded my hand carry luggage because I was carrying a heavy coat to Thailand. The flight attendant at the boarding gallery even volunteered to take the coat from me so I can board the plane and I adamantly said, "NO!" Coz the coat was ex. (Don't ask me how I know) Carrying a heavy coat to Thailand is insane enough already. And when they found that I did not have my boarding pass, they didn't allow me onboard. And I woke up while panicing I couldn't get onto the flight.

21 yrs and 2 days old.

The 21st has came and passed without much hoo hah. Was too preoccupied to think about celebrating on the actual day, had a respite on Sat evening during the last dinner with Candice, Jac and Charlene. Hehe, actually coerced Candice and Jac into horror flick, Silk. Candice was hiding her face behind her handbag, she probably only watched 1/4 of the show. Sigh. Hahaha. Jac didn't find it too disturbing though. The chilli crab pasta at Creation is simply superb! I HAVE to eat it a few more times before leaving Sg. I MUST. Unfortunately I got no pics again. My camera was out of batt this time round.
Other than that, the whole weekend was spent in church. Starting from Friday evening. Feel kinda drained. I have resolved that I should stay back after school to study in the resource room and keep my weekends free in the event that something comes up... ... Anything can happen.
Won't say that nothing happened in church, but I rather not blog about it. The most striking thing that I've heard during service today was, " All battles belong to God. So are you on His side?" It's comforting to know that God is the one Who's fighting, not me, so I just have to try my best and stay on the right side of the fence. AKA studying when I should. One of the battles that I'll be facing will be the impending exams. However, there are battles which I wonder belong to God. I guess if they are not battles for me, then He will end the struggle by closing the door once and for all. This has happened several times, with alot of grief on my part.
Still struggling with thoughts and feelings everyday, I feel out of place easily, but I don't feel too bothered by it anymore. Coz, I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can be in room full of people, but I am alone. (Still happens.) Strangely, some people in the room are feeling the same way too, but refuse to tear down the walls they built around themselves and complain no one cares, no one bothers when they don't let others in. So, I can only say that I'm lonely because I choose to be. By putting on a stony face and looking as welcoming as an ice cube it's no wonder to be alone. I'm not saying that only smiley faces matter (but it sure helps), it's about being open. I'm not the most open book around, but I sure am trying.

I lost my 21st birthday dinner photos... *sob!!*

Got a feeling you all are going to kill me or go, "Hai, wasted." My camera really self-deleted all the photos! Darn. Anyways, to sum up what I have lost in words.
Had dinner with Germ and Jas at Fish & Co. Took alot of silly photographs while waiting for Jas and a table. All gone. Sigh. Then they sabohed me and the video clip was lost. If you want to know what the saboh is go celebrate your birthday at Fish & Co to find out. Yupz. Not telling :p
Went for steamboat the next day with Na and Tengz. All lost. Boo Hoo. Was looking forward to uploading the pics. :(
Karen, OCX and Yingz got me a really useful gift. A web cam! Yea! Can video conference with people back home next year :D
Thanks for doting on me anyway you dear darlings, I feel like a princess! Hahahaha....

Ms Whiny Pok

This week has been energy draining. I fall dead asleep the moment my head touches the pillow every single night. I feel sapped of all my energy and really have no clue where I spent all my time. Been a good girl and been staying home after school this week, so why am I so tired? hmmm? Perhaps it's because of the unmentionable mthly thingy. Perhaps it's because of piling, piling and piling amount of work to be cleared. I DON'T wanna do anything anymore. ARRRRRGH. Since I can't recall how or where I spent my time, maybe I've been abducted by aliens, coz it sure feels like it. Not that I've ever been abducted before. Zzzzzzz....... Ok. End of whining.
Let's see.. On Monday, I went out to watch a movie with germ. Some brainless, plotless flick that only requires you to chew on your knuckles and hide behind fingers when some character is going to be gruesomely murdered by the blood bathing countess of bathory. Heh. Yea.. The movie is called Staying alive. No lasting trauma though. Unlike some horror flicks that make your imagination run wild in the middle of the night, while you are in the loo, in the lift alone or whatever...
Helped Shalom with her stuff on Tues night. Her mum made luo han guo! Yay! Just what I really really really needed. Coz my throat was dying on me again. I wonder if I'll become mute one day?? I keep getting throat infections so often. It's not normal. :S And I finally went to the skin centre to rescue my skin. Ended up with antibiotics and creams. Hope they'll work.... Coz I can't take it anymore. Mum is driving me nuts by probing into my pimples. Yeow. Please please please go away, so that people will STOP staring at my face. Especially Mum. Argh.
My prof wanted to talk to me so that he could write me a testimonial for my application to GIP scholarship.. And so I went to his office. Anticipating difficult interview type questions. In the end, I think he talked more than I did. Hahaha...Had a really great time talking to him, never had a teacher who was willing to take time out to get to know me. We chatted for 2 hours and went for dinner. He gave me quite alot of advice and it's interesting to know more about the profs too. He's so grandfatherly :D I guess I'm really impressed that my prof being an acclaimed scientist is concerned about us little shrimps who are no where near to being a scientist. He's got tons of assignments to mark, research papers to edit and etc... But, he took time out to talk to me. Wow. I'm impressed. If I ever reach where he is, I'll remember to do that for someone else too.
Another cousin of mine is leaving Singapore to work in Michigan, somewhere in the US. Went for his farewell party and met up with the rest of the family. Cher, Nick, Ah ee!! I really miss the Tan family.
Everything's changing. Though I wish somethings didn't.

Not so big oooooh....

The long awaited dinner finally happened yesterday, the JC clique finally reunited. Thanks to moi. Nah, thanks for squeezing time out although there's hardly time to come out, especially YL. NUS people are so much more busier than us. I know you all will hate me, coz I only have one so-called mid term paper which is all mcqs. But, I will have many more assignments to do and all of them are individual work. In a way, it's a good thing as individual work somehow means less hassle.
We went out for dinner at Big 'O'. Quite disappointing as the price was rather exorbitant for such small portions. Ah, what to do? Big 'O' is only famous for their cakes ba. I have learnt my lesson. At least the cakes weren't disappointing. :D

4 happy girls and 3 yummy cakes!

Found it funny (haha) that yl, wy and jx were trying so hard to pretend that they weren't choosing a bracelet for me. First, found it weird how come Yl suddenly wanted to buy a bracelet, then there was all that no so subtle whispering and evasive talking. Hahahaha. Still, I love the bracelet they got for me. It's so giraffee!! Hahahaha. And the card is identical to the birthday card my uni friends gave me on my 18th birthday. My friends all think alike. Heh heh. Funny funny.

Pressie from my dearies!
More pics @
http://ntu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=183&id=227800168&l=f2b86

It's all in this grey-jelly like thing we call a brain.

Been trying to memorise this verse, " Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 1-2.

And as I was memorising, I wondered how could my mind be transformed?? I read this book, "Phantoms in the Brain". Apparently, it was found that people's minds could literally change, by some sort of unexplainable occurence. As stated in the book "seizures" or repeated electrical bursts that open "new" channels permanently. Due to these "new" pathways for the transmission of electrical impulses in the brain, it was found that spiritual people responded more to spiritually related words, pictures, etc.. And their response to sex and violence decreased. Strange huh?

It convinces me that God is truly the One at work to transform the way we think, feel, etc... Where else can these mysterious life-changing electrical sparks come from? Some things are just unexplainable.

It never rains but pours.

It's rather sad that my 3 month old Zen player has spoilt. The FM radio has NO reception even when the player is in open field. Sigh. 2-3 weeks without my player, how am I gonna live without any music??!! Well, I could do without the FM radio, but why shortchange myself when I've got 1 yr warrenty, after all i bought the player over ipod because it has radio and voice recorder. So.. Yea..A little pain for a good cause.
But I am sad.... No music... :'(
Starting to look at winter clothes too. Took this picture in the winter clothes shop. Found it quite cute. Hehe. The hat can keep my ears warm.


Played host to Shalom's friends on Sunday, it was fun getting to know new people. Janice said that I look 15... Hahahaha. If only. Hope that they'll drop by again to visit soon. Oh well, school starts again. At least I've finished typing my CV by cutting, pasting and adding new information. Wonder what Bose will write about me... He's a really nice prof though, not all profs will write a testimonial for you.

We finally went for Nokia Starlight Cinema!! Was it romantic. Haha. But, the movie? Not. We went on horror night, the movie on Tuesday was Darkwater (English version). The ghost looked rather human in our opinion, not like the Jap movie ghosts. Some parts were rather scary, even though we were sitting in an open field. Hey! It was dark alright? Haha. Could hardly see what we were eating. Each of us contributed to the potluck. Ereen was the best! She got us pizza! Hahaha. Tim and Isaiah brought curry and sardine puffs respectively. There was kueh, samosas and more.. I got cheesy curry chicken and calamari from fish and chippy express, but by the time we started munching they were all soggy.. :( Not that nice anymore. Sharon came but she had to leave early though.

Out there in the field.
More photos @
http://ntu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=172&id=227800168&l=41e80

Other than that... I've been climbing the hill everyday to the office to settle my application to GT... Very good exercise. Not that I did want to in this horrible haze. Stepped out of amtech after ESL meeting today and I felt like I was in some fog infested place, but the fog smelt burnt of course and gave me a sore throat. Sigh.. What's going in Indonesia?! I wish they would stop burning trees. Can't wait for the smog to go away. Wonder if I'll leave before the smog or will the smog leave first? Hopefully, the 2nd option happens.

Big spender.

So many things to do!!! Aaaaaah!!! But, I'm not accomplishing much. Blogging is one way to escape. :P
Went down to Chinatown to look for good travel deals to Hong Kong today with Gie and Yammie. After going to a couple of agencies in the same building the flat rate for HK is around 600++ .... Which is ex. So, we didn't book tickets for HK. Instead, we booked tickets for Taiwan! Which also amounted to 625. Oh man, I feel so guilty. Parents aren't exactly happy. Taiwan seems like a better deal as the hotel rooms are relatively cheaper and we get more value for money. Yea... Still... Ouch. Just went to Bangkok not very long ago... Probably spent close to 600 also... Yikes. Wonder how much I'll spend this time??? The main point of going there is to get some winter wear, which I maybe able to find in Taiwan in that season? Not forgetting that I still have to get tickets, that'll cost 2000+ to fly to Atlanta in Jan. Hai. Really. Broke. My 21st birthday is coming, anyone care to buy me an airticket? Hehe..
Still, I am very EXCITED to go to Taipei!!!! Hahahahahahahaha... Shilin here I come! Can't wait for Dec to come around. I'll be doing quite alot travelling for the next 1/4 of the year. So cool! Taiwan, US and Canada. Think my nightmare will come after my exchange, no more travelling until I settle down in a stable job. Which hopefully, by God's grace, be in a research lab. I sure can hope, can I?
Was sending an email to a prof just now, was wondering where my CV was and stumbled on some old personal statements I've written. Found them seriously cheesy. I'm comforted that my writing now is probably less chessy and more brief. No wonder Germ can't stand me sometimes, coz she hates cheese.
1 practical, 2 tutorials, 1 assignment and countless readings to do... Tell me where to start...

Maybe unattached and unwanted this Dec.

Yet to be attached to a lab this Dec holidays, so all scientists out there, I'm up for grabs! I'll make your gels and run them, make buffers for free!!! In return for working experience in the lab and to catch a glimpse at your interesting experiments. Ok.. I really wish to go to the lab this Dec before school starts again.
Oh no. I can't really recall what I've been doing this week. This is how busy I am. Ok.. I went for dance and my classmates except for Boon all flew my aeroplane. Almost died doing the scissors...How I miss them.
On Friday, went for ESL and surprised Mel at the MRT station. Haha. OCX was funny, flapping out infront of Mel like that.. Haha.
Sat was Secell's 1st ML!! And we used the new church building in Amtech. It's nicely renovated, from an empty warehouse to 3 halls and 6 rooms. Much bigger than what we used to have.
Sun. Church and dinner with the family. We (Geraldine, Cheryl, Karen and me) trooped to Huijun's house for lunch after service. Her mum and aunt were very nice, very hospitable!! Quite embarrassed coz we went over at the last minute, however there was more than enough food! Huijun's house has a really nice view and her block of apartments isn't the run-of-the-mill HDB flats. Very different. Dad treated Uncle Steven for dinner at the Sze Chuan restaurant at Seletar Hills.. Really spicy... No complaints about the durian pudding though :D

In some kind of mood.

This poem by James Fenton kinda appealed to me, this isn't my work (disclaimer!)

Nothing

I take a jewel from a junk shop tray,
And wish I had a love to buy it for.
Nothing I choose will make you turn my way,
Nothing I give you will make you love me more

I know that I’ve embarrassed you too long,
And I’m ashamed to linger at your door.
Whatever I embark on will be wrong,
Nothing I do will make you love me more.

I cannot work. I cannot read or write.
How can I frame a letter to implore.
Eloquence is a lie. The truth is trite,
Nothing I say will make you love me more.

So I replace the jewel in the junk shop tray
And laughingly pretend I’m far too poor.
Nothing I give, nothing I do or say,
Nothing I am will make you love me more.

Ok.. More stuff...
The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out,
I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
ForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
ForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgivenessForgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Stories, it's all there in the stories

Graduated from Lindy 2! Haha. Apparently, Lindy 3 is going to be more of variation and improvisations that will largely depend on me, rather then being taught basic rigid steps. Sounds so artsy fartsy... But, that's how it is. Improvisation is definitely fun-ner considering that we already know the basics. Which also means I can choose not to go for lessons every week. At the moment, I think I still can go for lessons, but once October rolls by.... I can kiss lindy hop good bye. :'( Wonder if GT has lindy hop?
Finally watched Forbidden City on Friday, Jas bought the 2nd cheapest tics, which weren't cheap at all.... As expected, the stage was still kinda small...
Itsy bitsy props.
Couldn't see any of their faces on stage, was trying to spot my dance instructor on stage. I guess she was there, coz I heard her voice. I'm really happieee that I finally got to watch the musical, although I have the soundtrack, but watching it is a whole different story. I can really feel the emotions (anger, joy, despair, etc..) behind each song and piece the whole story together. Could kinda piece the story together by listening to the soundtrack, but there were a few missing parts, so watching the real thing gives it new meaning. The SSO was fantastic! It wouldn't have been as nice without them playing. Went over to Jazz @ South bridge after a dinner at Mc's... Yea. Mc's... Heh. Some expats were jamming and boy were they good! The saxaphone and bass took turns to play solo. They best part is.... thay played impromtu. So cool. Enjoyed listening to them play, definite ear candy.
And. I am still sick. My throat is dying. Went to the doc's, got more medicine today and turned up for Candice's Bday dinner. HAha. :p Was raining heavily today, instead of steamboat, it became buffet. Proceeded to chill at Giraffe's.. Been chilling out too much man... Which reminds me... What am I gonna do for my 21st??? I am a lazy pok.

Singapore Dreaming

Courtesy of Jason Tay, we (Karen, Daniel, Phillip, Arjun, Isaiah, Matz and I) got free tics to attend the gala premier for the local movie, "Singapore Dreaming". Thought it was gonna be another Jack Neo-type kind of show. But, nope it was better than I expected. Guess because the producer wasn't Jack Neo this time round? Heheh. Woffles Woo (infamous plastic surgeon), Woo Yen Yen and Colin Goh. This proves that being a doctor doesn't stop you from doing other stuff also. I mean heck, I've got a rocker lecturer who jammed at the same club as U2.
Well.. Anyway, the plot was, pretty run-of-the-mill, about 5Cs... But, seriously what else is the general population interested in other than the 5Cs??? Perhaps this explains why our plots can only go this far. Kinda identified with 2 characters. (What to do? I'm a typical Singaporean wat. Maybe not exactly that general. ) The elder sister and the guy's girlfriend. I guess I'm the sort of person who will give up everything for someone she loves. Even if it means getting hurt in the end. I guess she had suspicions that her boyfriend was stringing her along, but I guess when you really love someone you just want to give the person your best. You choose to practice selective vision even if you know that person does you wrong. Anyways, I thank God that I haven't met anyone as horrible as that guy in the movie. Yep, that guy was really horrible to the point of cruelty.

Colin Goh, Woo Yen Yen & Woffles Woo @ the
end of the show.

Feeling weaker everyday

It hasn't been an idyllic week. There's a mountain of work and I really don't know where to start this time. It's the 5th of week of school and I've yet to attend 1 plant lecture this sem. This is VERY bad. I did wake up in time, but felt that my day was going to be so long that I fell right back into bed again. Lately, I keep feeling that the day just goes on and on, activities keep lining up right one after another, there's never an end to anything.
I came down with fever on Tuesday night and the aches kept me up the whole night. Started hallucinating that I was in neurobio tute and the prof was asking me questions. Could remember the chim questions and how I couldn't answer them and how the prof was spewing out all the ans. Neurobio is making me neurotic. Keep missing the 8.30am lessons because I feel so tired.
It's only the 5th week!!!! I've never been this messed up in uni before. Guess it's a 3rd year thingy. I've been warned by my friends anyway, just couldn't imagine that things will be this bad.
Many people, events and circumstances bog me down. I feel pressured and tied down. Other than God, there doesn't seem to be anyplace or person that I really want to run to now. I can't seem to find solace anywhere. Being in school reminds me of certain things, being with certain people remind of other things... The best part is, I feel that I'm not close enough to Him. No time to talk to Him because I'm too busy doing other stuff.
Can't say the whole week was one big doozy. There were happier stuff too! Must say that Thursday was the best day, today isn't that bad too. Went for dance (love dancing) and met the snackies later to chill out at cozy canopy. Stocked with lotsa snacks for lects now! Haha And Matz gave each of us a personalized door hanger. Snackies rule!!!! Today because of the company and dinner :) Yummy toast.
I left the cashcard with 10++ dollars in the photocopier machine again. 2nd time this has happened.... Heartache...

Snackies @ Cozy Canopy

Can't tell the difference between night and day

Woo. I've slept 8 hrs after coming back from cycling and I'm wide awake now. Feels as though I'm suffering from jet lag. It'll be cool f I could lay my hands on some melatonin now and the only way is to extract it from some other human brain. Hehehe.. Ok.. I sound mad.
Buttaches. Strangely, my legs aren't hurting.
I've been busy, busy, busy, busy...... Not even going for tuition tomorrow because I need to rest and settle my own work. Which I doubt can ever be finished, yet they must be. Really glad that Wy is willing to take over my classes, hope my kids won't scare her off. Though I will have less to spend.. I think it's worth it. I need to rest. Speculating with Candice and Angie if we could go to Hong Kong during the Christmas break, hopefully we will be able to get a job in the lab that will finance this little shopping getaway. Haven't really told mum about my intentions because I've just travelled to Bangkok like a month ago, don't think she'll be very pleased to know about me travelling again.
I guess my emotions are more settled now, but occasionally it goes off the kilter when I remember things or when unbidden thoughts float across. Despite everything, I miss the old days. Nobody can ever replace anybody I suppose. Feeling rather helpless over the internal struggle to forgive and forget versus hanging on to the hurt.
Last cell lunch tomorrow, Matz's cell is evolving. I really hope one day I can be as close to my cell members just as we've been as close.

http://ntu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=89&l=06ed1&id=227800168

The link above leads to the photos taken during the field trip.

I'm so sleepy and completely full. Hahaha. I'm a big fat pig. Gained back all the weight I lost, I guess Bangkok and snacking in school really helped.
The field trip was a pretty mild trek up Bukit Timah hill, look at the pics to know what we were up to. Pictures can speak a thousand words. Saw things from the plant biologist's viewpoint and suddenly the nature reserve doesn't seem so boring anymore, if only my prof could speak louder. He's really soft spoken. Though he talked quite alot, I could only catch snatches of what he was saying. Kinda wasted.
Candice, Jac and I rewarded ourselves by going for a heavy lunch after the trek at Waffletown. Luuurve the waffles man, fresh waffles and whipped cream, so sinful. Guess I was half-asleep throughout the whole thing. Still got tutes to complete for tomorrow... *yawn*
Oh yea, I guess the fact that it's raining now after lunch isn't helping very much. Haha.

Feelings ain't enough, but God is.

Won't deny that I've been hurt, angry, sad and bitter. I'm just not very nice to be with when I feel this way. It's like as if I'm PMSing permanently. I've been asked for how long can I stay this way? I don't know how long, but what else is there for me to do? It's a lousy feeling.
Which brings to the point, why am I not applying anything that I've learnt from the Bible now???? Is there anyway I can see things from a whole new perspective? Well, only if I stop being angry and choose to see things from God's viewpoint. I can choose to believe that I am not ______ enough, I can choose to blame myself... (Which is all I have been doing.)I want to stop being bitter, but I don't know how to. Which in the meantime, I hope I won't do anything that I'll regret doing or saying later. Praying is all I can do now.

Depressing matters aside, school's been crazy.. Insufficient sleep for me. Not productive. Just doing tutes alone is all I can manage to do, which means I haven't been doing my readings. Bought the textbooks for decorative purposes.
Sorry dear readers, I still sound depressing right? Haha. I promise to be less depressing. Read on!

Going to Bukit Timah Hill for my lab.. Hmm.. This sounds fun though. Pick leaves up? Dear God, please let it not rain, k? Heh, university students going on a field trip to Bukit Timah. Haha. Looking forward to lunch after lab though, good food galore round the area. I'm glad that I have equally yau qwee friends Hahaha.

Tired.

You know when you are really tired when you don't want to do anything anymore. You feel disconnected from everyone and you try so hard to stay connected. You are there, yet you are not. Slowly, people realise that you are not there at all and all they have is an empty shell that pretends to be you.
I'm sorry for being this way. I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I'd really love to be enthusiastic and chirpy, but at the moment I'm weighed down. I'd really love to share your burden, but I can't focus very well.
It seems like a crime to infect people with sadness. Which is why I feel really bad that I carry my burden everywhere, the atmosphere becomes gloomy with whoever I'm with. I really try to lighten up, but I'm too upset to stay bubbly for long. If I haven't been too gloomy around you that's good, but my fuel is running low.
I need joy. I need laughter. I need love. I need rest. I need peace. I need a way out. I need acceptance. I need to stop blaming myself. I need God.

Another day has come and gone away.

Went to extract the 2nd tooth today, mouth is literally in a bloody mess again. Wondering why the bleeding hasn't stopped? Didn't catch a nap the last time and it stopped even faster. Thought napping and keeping still will help it to clot faster. Woke up with a patch of blood on my pillow. Eeeew. Thinking back, I was much more drama about the 1st tooth, for well, being the 1st tooth I guess. Didn't talk much about being scared this time either, perhaps I had too much on my mind to worry about it. Also partly, there isn't really anyone to whine to anymore who will bother give me the extra attention. :p I'm whiny. Haha. Things are so different now. Don't know why things turned out this way and I wish they didn't. Still coming to terms things that have happened lately, inexplicably a little moody, etc.. It's rather interesting to know that I still feel the same way towards him, not very unexpected though. Seems so complicatedly simple. I've already taken my own stand, will keep to it and not compromise for something less. It was a mistake to accept, knowing that things weren't exactly that simple, being all too eager to take a shortcut and ended up unhappy, making things worse. It's rather tempting to take something hard and bonk it over my head. Ok, shall stop playing the blame game. Not talking about something more, but fundamental communication, there are some issues that need to be worked out not just discussed. At the moment, doubt anyone is really up to it. Things happen, leave them and communication breaks down, feel like I'm worlds apart, because of whatever that has happened.

Other than that.. I've got 3 tutes due tomorrow and have yet to do even 1!!! How dead am I?? Hmm.. You can't blame me actually, I only had the lectures yesterday and I spent the whole of yesterday evening trying to match my subjects for the next semester in Georgia. Which I miserably failed at doing. Ended up writing emails to the profs over there. Hope they'll reply. If not I'm seriously in a fix. There is a serious lack of time. The girl's gotta rest also.

Yesterday was nothing short of a series of unfortunate events, my shirt tore and my birks snapped consecutively... Thank God nothing went wrong with my skirt. Though it almost got stained...

Mummy and I

You probably think I'm mad for blogging this. But, out of some kind of odd inspiration, I just wanna say I really love my Mum. Though she's not the most understanding person on Earth and always tells me to do something about my face, I know she really cares about me. She's always there when I need her.(well provided she can answer) She lets me fall down on my own and yet is there to pick me up when I need it. Cheers Mummy, though I highly doubt you even know about the existence of my blog. Haha.

Mummy and me
(probably look like that in 30 plus years...)