Take a break. Pay attention to God.

I can hear a mother screaming at her child from the next block. She's loud! Or maybe I have good hearing. It's irritating... Pity, even the radio can't drown out her voice. I suppose this is happening in my mind too. I keep tuning into thoughts that I want to drown out. I have many many many things to do, many many many people to talk to, but all I can think about is what I refuse to think about. Somethings that I heard got stuck in my brain and I don't know how to get them out. I doubt I can get them out by myself.
Have to remember that only one thing matters. G-O-D.
I thank god that I have other things to keep me busy, I cannot imagine what will happen if I'm left to my own devices. Drowning myself in work again. Escapism?

Normalcy

We have just finished the 6th CLEAR session. I have just been notified by our camp IC this year, Dan, that I'll be one of the group leaders this year along with Gail and Cyrus. I really don't know if I'm up to this. Ah hahaha.... And I know before I know it I'll be at camp doing the unthinkable. I'm both excited and scared. Excited because it's going to be different! Perhaps more scared than excited though. Some of the fears that I have are... I can't relate to the younger ones, I have never been a group leader nor assistant group leader in a camp before. I feel that camp leaders need to be spontaneous and currently I don't feel very spontaneous... Due to some personal stuff. Hope that the dark clouds would have blown over by then. If not.. Hai. Life goes on and I'll still have to do my job as a group leader.
As for CLEAR... I still can't really see myself as true blue, full fledged cell leader. Then again God works in mysterious ways. I'm sure He'll provide me with the experience, maturity and other misc skills that I'll need to cope with being a cell leader.
Been a good girl. Doing very little work at home. Currently, I have to play "musical chairs" for this project. I have to pick a paper on a first come first serve basis and I have to pick the right paper. Better still, I can't change my mind after submitting my choice. Hope no one will pick the paper that I'm going to pick. Stress ah! If only the prof will let us do the same paper, then it won't be so stressful... And because everyone is doing a different paper, we can't discuss!!! This is such a tragedy. *Rolls eyes*

Overflowing

Frustrated with myself. Felt that I wasn't putting in my best for today's paper. My mind wasn't there. But, after handing up the paper, I regretted that I allowed myself to be distracted. It jolted me out of my thoughts. I need to put my heart back into my school work. My heart hasn't really been in it eversince the beginning of the semester. All I think about is the holidays... ... Anyway, it's over. I don't have the energy to mope over it.
Sometimes I feel limited or get drained very easily. Some people are able to stay cheery most of the time, why can't I be like that?? To me, I feel that there's no point in pretending to be happy when I'm not. But, I know I want to walk with a bounce in my step, being contented with I have. I just know that I have to trust God for that and change my attitude towards situations. Frankly, I feel tired of being mopey and looking as if the world owes me something. No matter what happens, I will recover from it and find my joy in God. Because He never fails.

MAF.. What moon?

Went to celebrate MAF at Lydia's place yesterday with SETT people. I was clueless that we were going to her place to celebrate, last minute surprise. Lydia was really kind to provide us with umlimited food and drinks. There was too much food that snacks we brought there were unopened. Really love the baked cuttlefish strips!! Yummy. Then we went to the nearby playground and razed it to the ground. Nah. Hogwash. We merely dripped wax all over it and waxed some leaves and insects. MAF seems to bring out a sadistic nature in all of us. Burn baby burn! Didn't really get to see any moon though. Loved the lantern my group made. Jon can really come up with gd storylines to explain the theme of our lantern. I am impressed. Haha.

Taking my mind off a few matters... Irritated with myself. 连我也觉得自己好烦。

Waiting.

I'm waiting for answers. I keep asking questions. Helplessness.

My one week break's ending. Not looking forward to going back to school... ... *Deep breaths*

Be with me.

Went out the entire day today, haven't been very productive since Saturday. Have to start getting off my butt and DO something!
Went to Kbox with Wy, had mucho fun. Discovered that I have a talent for singing Chinese opera. Haha. We kept singing yuan dian until we could get it right, meaning not going too off-key and singing in time with the music. Haha. Finally got it right after the 5th time? Hahaha. Haven't sang like this for a long time. Then we tried to get some work done, but ended up yakking and catching up as we haven't met for a very very long time. Since someone is busy dating. :p And somehow, when I'm free she isn't and when she isn't I am. So there, we finally met up.
Met my uni family to celebrate Candice's birthday. Watched Be with me.

It's much better than I expected it to be. It talks about love and loss. I really admire Theresa, the protagonist in the movie and also in reality for her courage and trust in God. Imagine being shut away from the world around you. Can't see nor hear. Living alone. Losing the chance to have someone who loves you because he passes away.
Then there's also the Fat Man. Your uneducated kind soul who just wants to express his feelings for the woman of his dreams. Though I really think he was scary stalking her like that, he seems happy and watching her from a distance. The only time you see him losing his temper is when he fails to express himself because he cannot find the words. And the stuff he binges on... Makes me want to swear off stewed pork for now. I get the vibe that the scriptwriter feels that it would be kinder to end Fat man's life.
Sam and Jackie. The lesbian couple. Betrayal, loss and suicide. Got to be cruel sometimes to be kind? It is painful to see how people can let you down in the worse way.
Lastly, the father who struggles to get out of depression after the death of his wife and he finds a model in Theresa.

Anyway back to me. I wish things could be simpler or that I would stop complicating things for myself. I don't know if I am right or wrong. I don't want to become bitter.

Emotionally drained

For once I'm feeling deflated.
Like a sad balloon. Burnt out. Don't even feel angry.
Hurt. Confused. Broken. But I have to face the world.

One week break.

It's nothing new that I've been busy for the whole of last week. Completing reports, assignments, tutorials and giving tuition. I am too exhausted to blog! Anyway, the coming week of break is only good for catching up with my readings and studying for the test I have on the 1st day of school. Which I promise to finish. Haven't been studying much for the past 2 weeks. Hope my grades will not suffer. Sleep hasn't been wonderful either, find myself being unable to sleep for more than 8 hours... ... Terrible.
Had a false alarm that GIP results were out, because so far I've only heard the mass comm people getting accepted. Emailed the office to make sure that they hadn't forgotten about my application and lo and behold they said the results will be out next week. I really really really realllllllllllly hope I can go. A few personal reasons and the main reason being that I really want to see what kind of research they get up to in the labs of washington uni. Definitely on a much larger scale than what they have in NTU.
Feel sorry for kids who have started mugging at such a tender age...Due to parents who keep forcing their children to go for additional tuition classes. Seriously think that children should be allowed to take a break, instead of studying everyday for the hols. It's not healthy and doesn't really aid in absorption when their minds are elsewhere.
Took a break yesterday, met Germ to watch The Maid, ate gelato at venezia and went to this super sleazy pub, lounge? We didn't do much, just shared a glass of red wine. Still wondering how come we ended up there... ... I know the last place visited sounds very O-U-T.

I'm back, but for how long??

Haven't been blogging, haven't been on msn. Eversince my last entry I've only been coming on-line to download my notes, homework or do research on that $%$%*&*!! stem cell paper. Had a test today and I left the lecture theatre feeling really stupid. I could answer the questions. I KNOW how to do the questions and I lost 17 marks. Why? Because I couldn't keep my cool. I started panicking because I kept looking at the time. I hate myself. Feel like a big dumb dumb. Hope I still can pass, this test has 15% weightage...
Been waking up super early for the week due to some changes in the timetable. I can actually wake up automatically with out the help of the alarm clock now, an obvious sign of stress. I must remain sane, I must keep my cool. *chants*
It's Teacher's day today, didn't get to go back anywhere because of a full day in school. Taking a break from studying and doing work, haven't exactly been relaxing. Maybe the most relaxing thing I did thus far was to go to California Fitness Club to exercise. Free membership for 1 month! Whee. All thanks to Sheena. They have free lessons street jazz dancing, yoga, etc.. And not forgetting the sauna and spa. Must go there before my pass expires. Felt like a mountain tortoise there, we were ooh and aahing over the facilities or maybe it was just me :p Schwinn cycling next time! It burns 300 calories in 30 minutes.
Caught a movie last Sunday too. It's probably the most violent and profane "art film" I ever watched: Perth. Mere words cannot describe how disturbed I am after watching the show. It was the first time I ever watched a man pummel a woman. Usually the farthest extent would be slaps and shoves, but really pummeling the woman? What kind of "man" is that? Realised that I am pretty numbed to violence, maybe it's because of all the bloody arcade and computer games I've played. House of the dead, etc... Not forgetting that blood and gore doesn't faze me. Closet sadist.
Hanging in there till the 1 week break comes in 2 weeks' time. Feeling sore about my stupidity :'(