I thought I wasn't going anywhere. Haha.

Went over to Quan Ee's place for lunch yesterday and Say Ee was also there with Elizabeth and Joy. Joy my youngest cousin is already 11!! Wow. I still remember her as a baby, it didn't seem that long ago. 11 years has passed?! Woah. My aunt cooked up a storm, there was shark's fin (don't look at me animal lovers!), abalone, emperor chicken and ma po dou fu. There were 7 people present and strangely we couldn't finish the food. Think we probably were filled drinking soup. Seems like she really enjoys cooking after coming back from Vancouver. Did you have anything to do with her enthusiasm for cooking Cher? Then my aunt generously opened her bottle of Bailey's and told me to help myself. Was quite tempted to drink more, but... it's not apt to end up drunk midday isn't it? Still had another place to visit.
Went over to Auntie Poon's place. Didn't stay for long as she had alot of visitors over and even if she didn't her 4 grandsons who are aged 1-4 respectively will keep her SUPER DUPER busy. They are so CUTE!!!! Especially Zhenting. He's the oldest and the most mischievious, I wonder if his younger brother will outsmart him next time. I lament that I've got no pictures. SIgh. My mum claims that she'll replace me with Zhenting when I go over for exchange. Not that I mind Haha :D
Then off to Jac's 21st birthday bash. Stayed at her place for a few hours, ate, watched TV and played some brainless games. My reflexes took a day off and I kept losing, thankfully they haven't brought out the alcohol yet. If not, I think I'll become even slower. Took a few pictures on Charlene's camera and I think her perm looks great. Jac's place is really cozy, like her glow- in-the dark stars. Left with Candice, since I didn't really know anybody else except for Charlene who also left shortly after us.
Since it was still early, I went for an unplanned supper with Caleb who drove :) 3 cheers for the driver and the car!! Haha. Went to River Ang Bao and pigged out. Cannot fathom his obsession for genuine smelly tofu. Find the smell quite tolerable these days, probably getting used to it. But, that doesn't mean I like it. And I will NEVER EVER buy bing tang hu lu again. Everytime I watch those period dramas that candied haw seems to be such a hot fav, but it tastes bad.. Well, at least to me.
Today.. Dropped by at Pa's friend's place. Finally met Jeanine, whom my Dad kept wanting me to meet. Because she does medicine in MelbUni and can give me sound advice regarding studying medicine overseas. However, I think I'll be shelving these plans aside until God (hopefully) opens those doors. She knows my JC classmate, who is coincidentally her present classmate now. The world is so small. She burned for House MD, which is like CSI for me. Yay!! New serial to watch. I guess I can get to know her better since she's staying till May this year before heading back to MelbUni.
School starts tomorrow and report rushing starts now (Yes, now!!!). Procrastination is my middle name. Dawn P Koh.

Less bustle, less noise, more rest?

Reunion dinner and the first day of new year and not much to prepare. Not much fan fare this year, didn't buy new clothes for the new year, since I do have enough clothes and not doing much visitation either. Looking on the bright side, I've got 4 days to rest and catch up with my work, instead of running everywhere to visit relatives whom I hardly know. It's fun when my cousins are there, we have no problem entertaining ourselves or if I know someone from the family that I'm visiting. Or else, it's just stoning in front of the TV and answering questions such as... " Where are you studying now?" Though people don't ask me if I'm studying anymore, they seem to assume that I'm working. Hm... Hope that doesn't mean I look old...

This year is quiter because... CHERIE. You are not here.. Hmph. It's different without you and your family. Byron wanted to gamble and nobody was banker this year. Normally Ah Ee will be the banker and the table will be one rowdy mess because Nick or Bryon will insist they didn't lose or won. Haha. Miss you all. Chinese New Year and family gatherings won't ever be the same again. If you are reading this Cher, glad you woke up so early to meet us on the web cam!!! Haha. Your eyes look so small as usual :p Leng has the pics of our reunion dinner. Be back next year for new year?? :p

Watched "The Promise" with Jun, since my mother bought the VCD. Very lame movie... Apparently everything happened all because the girl stole the bao from the boy. Then the boy so kua zhang, he felt he cannot trust anybody for his entire life anymore all because the girl stole his bao.. Doinks. Then Jun forgot to bring her stuff home.. Woke me up from my nap today to get her stuff. So annoying. :p

Went for service today, this year's theme is Be a disciple and make disciples. Underlying fact that we have to be disciples before we can make disciples, being a disciple = discipline?? :p I'm linking everything together. Ahh.. Then Pastor Mark preached about the 3 priorities that must not overtake God. People, Possesions and Purpose. I guess I got abit restless at the end.. Was talking more than listening... Oops..

Some pics *oink*

Unpredictable part 2.

God showed me something again today. Yesterday I was lamenting about the unpredictability of life and today, "Wham!" I get an answer smacked in my face just when I don't expect it at all.
I was upset over an email that simply stated that the exchange to US is under review and to wait for another semester and even then nothing's confirmed. I truly felt sick of waiting and hanging around for confirmation. Why? Few months back, I applied. Some got accepted and others rejected. Me? I waited and waited but no answer came, at that point in time, I thought they had thrown my application away and didn't even bother to tell me about the outcome. So I gave up hope. Suddenly, they called. I GOT IT!!
Then now this. I feel like they're playing with my feelings.
This morning, the office called again and now the co-ordinator wants to see me. I wonder. For what? I have no idea what she's going to tell me. Though I replied that brief email asking about what's going on, I doubt she wants to meet me because of my reply. She could have just emailed back. So, frankly I have no clue.
The main thing that happened was not about the exchange programme.
It is about my attitude. I dislike it. Why can't I be more patient and wait upon the Lord?? And why am I always so uncontented?
Unlike Uncle Joey Kong who's a friend of 老爸. He has a rare kind of cancer and is the longest survivor of it. He was diagnosed with it 10 years ago at an advanced stage and the doctor told him was going to die in a few weeks. By God's grace he is still alive now and on trial for a new drug. I know it sounds really simple, but do you have any idea how many people he had brought to salvation because of his illness? Instead of staying at home away from the crowd like what the doctor told him to (a simple flu can kill him now), he continues to volunteer/counsel at the cancer centre and work. He even has a family to take care of. Auntie Yvonne, his wife, is a wonderful person. The drug he's taking now is giving him kidney failure and the loss of sense of taste. He thanks God for using him to bring so many people to Christ, but he suffered so much for it and he thinks it's worth the price.
His testimony makes me think. Here I am lamenting over losses and broken promises and feeling sorry for myself and there he is serving God and really living life to the fullest. Honestly, what really matters?

Unpredictable.

Like what Prof Lun says, " There's no such thing as 100%, there will always be a chance that..."I can't seem to appreciate the unpredictability of life. A girl whom I knew came down with a relapse of cancer again. She was someone with everything that I wanted, but now she's lying in the hospital bed instead. Unable to eat at all. I pray that God will perform a miracle, this kind of unpredictability I can accept.
Things keep going wrong all the time, I really need a break whereby things just flow smoothly, predictably for awhile. Everytime when things seem rosy and fine, something has to change to spoil the picture. I hate it when circumstances swallow me up, I feel so defeated. Even when there's something that I can do about the situation, I'll learn not to act on it until I have seeked His will. Heh. I know God will never stop sending trials my way because He knows that I need alot of sharpening to be effective. But, I feel so tired!!! Help. I'm only 20 and I already wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Cell leading = Heavy Responsibilty

I signed it. I signed it. I just signed it a couple hours back!! This is another significant event in my Christian life. Of course the 1st was baptism, immersed in the pool in the middle of the sanctuary, then return back to the stage decked in all white then walking down the aisle (sounds like dum da da dum) in twos with a guy I hardly knew. Right, I was baptised without company, so no friends to walk with.
This is different. Somehow, God is so real in my life than He has ever been before. Yes, I still fall and hurt myself, but I know He will be there to kiss the wound and make it all better. I really depend on Him, there's no other way to get enough wisdom to be able to take care of other people. There will always be kinks in life and life without kinks is plain meaningless. I should I say tasteless? I still wonder if life will be meaningless if we don't fall down and suffer.
My main concern now is... Getting my spiritual food, so that I can feed others. And.. Why do I feel so needy??

Revelations, some of which I really don't like.

I've been like a demagnetised magnet. I used to think that I have pretty good polarity, but after 1 year plus in university I feel like I actually am pretty directionless. Yes yes, I do have goals... But, it's not about goals. I feel that I don't really know myself very well. For example, what I enjoy doing or who I really am. I'm pretty confused. Plus, I'm pretty good at lying and justifying things to fit my fancy. Blergh. It's time to get repolarized according to His word and oh man, it hasn't been easy. Been reading this book by Joshua Harris, it's been a pretty difficult book for me to read as it shone right smack on the dark crevices in my cracked life and it really hurts my eyes to read the book. But, hey it's been helpful, I pray I can live up to it. The message was, "Intimacy is the reward for being committed". It's selfish if I want to enjoy being close to someone and yet don't want to or rather cannot commit. After everything I did, I can only conclude that I am ignorant and foolish. But, I honestly had no idea that things will become like that. Let this be a lesson learnt that will not be repeated again, no matter what my flesh says.
Other than doing alot of soul searching, I've watched In Her Shoes and Elizabethtown.
Personally, I think In Her Shoes is lots better, it's not a chick flick as I thought it was, it talks alot about forgiveness and family. Life's been different and it will get even more different as my perspectives change. Perhaps my "depolarisation" is a result of changing attitudes. Hope I get the right ones.
School's been good :) Strange that I actually feel this way despite all the crazy questions that's been thrown at us. Feel that I haven't been really living life to the fullest.

A really looooong day...

Woke up at 7.30am today and my first contemplation of the day was, "Should I skip lect today?" I was super tired, all the accumulated lack of sleep is taking its toll on me already and it seems to be psychological. I mean I didn't sleep much during the hols. I guess it's the waking up early thing. Went for lecture and then rushed to class.. Was a few minutes late and as a result was quite flustered, which was baaad. Felt like a disorganized mess. Had a angry parent confronting me...But things were fine in the end. After class, rushed to church and finally reached home at 10.30pm. Could have went home later, but half of me wanted to go home. Haven't been doing much work either. Sigh. Oughta spend tomorrow catching up with my books.
Will be officially commissioned as cell leader next week, increasing the stress level further. Well, I'm quite happy with all the 'busyness' actually. But, all of it is pretty self-centred. Algene calls me 'ice queen', but will say something if I have something good to say. NOOOO!!! I don't want to be 'ice queen'... Sigh. Reminds me of the white witch from the chronicles of narnia... Ok, out of point, she's the villian in the story and I'm not supposed to be villianous. I wonder what's wrong with me. Too self-conscious? In other words... *ahem* self-centred?

Shopaholic

This is my room. I'm starting to think that it resembles a hostel room, perhaps I brought my way of life from hall back with me. But, my room is definitely more cluttered than my hostel room and slightly bigger too. :p But, somehow I still like my room. The clutter and the wooden furniture makes things cozy. Alright. It's messy, but it's an organized mess. Haha.

This strawberry look-a-like was THE reason why I went all the way to NUS. Only 50 copies sold in NTU for a cohort of 150 people!! What's wrong with the school bookshop? Don't even want to do business. Well, I have many readings from the book, which is why I have a good reason to get so 'kan cheong'. All 50 copies were sold out on the day of the 1st lecture, which explains how enthusiastic my fellow coursemates are about Immunology... Too enthu if you ask me...
Went shopping in school! Wahaha. Seiyu had a sale over in the auditorium, we bought a couple of things and it was sooooo cheap. A calender that normally costs about 20 plus only cost about 6-7 buckaroos there. So satisfied! Hahaha.

Some Phuket Photos. Finally!

A small glimpse of what we were up to in Phuket. :p

I just want to leave everything behind.

My spirits haven't lifted up much. That's as much as I can say. In the year of 2006, there will be so many more new responsibilties and challenges to face. I've never felt this tired before, not even when I was in JC and knew that I almost got retained. Things get harder every year don't they? Currently, my S1 science class has 9 students. But, they are alright. Hope they actually learnt something from my classes!!! Put in effort to make notes for them. Somehow, they do cheer me up a little by making me forget about myself. In class, I become Miss Koh or rather Dawn, the blur science teacher. Haha. As for my P4s... Well. There's really alot more that I need to do for them. I'm quite clueless. How does one go about teaching English??!! Argh.
I used to attend Morris Allen speech and drama lessons and find that it really helped me in mastering English. But, I would say that their methods are rather unconventional, involving mostly play and reading. There was not other way I could learn things in primary school. Seriously. I was one of those kids who can't study. Alright I wasn't stupid, perhaps just slow.
I miss Faye, my DG leader from school. She just flew over to Atlanta a few days back and will only be back before I go to the same place that she went to. It's pity that we miss each other this way. She's going to the same place, but at a different time. Just 1 sem before me!!! :( Bleah. Maybe God wants me to continue what she's going to accomplish there. I'm sure God didn't allow me to go there to twiddle my thumbs.
Perhaps I want to leave because, the past is not doing me any good. I haven't been myself and I'm in so deep that I don't even realise it. People tell me that I've been staring into space looking distracted. Being unaffected and leaving everything behind is impossible, unless by the grace of God I get partial amnesia. Been escaping of late. When I can't solve the problem, I try to escape from it. I tried so hard, but it doesn't leave me alone. There's no where to run and hide. I wish I were unaffected too. How long will it take to heal these wounds? When will they even start healing? They are not healing. Time doesn't make a difference when I'm not allowed to heal. What will it take to heal me then? If only I could get the message across.

nerd. Not!

A Confession: I am weird.

Yes. So I am weird. I hate to admit it but I seriously cannot get the frequency of most people. I'm becoming an alien. It didn't seem so bad last time, but now I really don't understand what you guys are laughing about. I really don't understand. Perhaps it's not just one person I cannot understand, but all of you. What was said makes sense now, perhaps it's not only you that I cannot connect with, but with the rest of the crowd. Or maybe, what happened made me more aware of my disability to connect with others and makes me feel worser than ever. I will never understand how and why things turned out this way.
It's so difficult to talk to anyone.
It works in some twisted way. To me, you have the same frequency as a normal person and if I can't communicate with you, I can't communicate with them either. So, that makes me an alien. And guess what? It's true. I can't get through to all of you.

It's only school.

Went for the 1st lecture yesterday, I couldn't understand what Dr Rupert was talking about. Looks like I've got quite alot to work on and I better work instead of talking about it only. This week's still pretty slack, only 2 lectures. School hasn't gone into full swing yet, which is quite comfortable actually. Sometimes I think that uni is reaaaally waaaay too slack because of my seemingly short timetable..Must not forget that alot is about self-studying now.
Glad to see everyone back in school, got to know more people from my course from the recently ended hols. 2 of my classmates are back from exchange, they sound really happy. Can't wait for August to come around!
In case you are wondering why I removed the last post.. It's because it was too depressing, reading it makes me feel uncomfortable. I pray that Jesus will heal me and help me to be more like Him, instead of being more cynical, etc...